


a requiem for the static king

by lesthowells



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Falling In Love, First Meetings, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 00:39:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14152884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesthowells/pseuds/lesthowells
Summary: September 2009, Dan is moving to Manchester to start university and the Lester's are his host family. He does not feel prepared for any of it, is not even sure why he is going at all. He tells himself to just get through the first semester, but four months is a long time, some things fall apart and others come together.





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first chaptered fic, i am nervous to share it but this story just formed in my head and grew so i decided to write it.
> 
> inspired by the film breathe in and it's beautiful soundtrack.

Dan is nervous. His chest feels tight, with each breath it feels worse. His palms are sweating and when he looks he notices a slight tremor in his fingers. He closes his hand into a fist, nails digging into his palm the dull pain doesn’t distract from his anxiety. Dan is nervous, he doesn’t have anything to distract himself with. He can’t go on his phone because there is no connection to WiFi. The rattle of the train moving against the track beneath is noisy and the movement of the carriage is turbulent. His seat is hard and uncomfortable, and the train carriage is cold. Dan pulls down the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands and curls up in his seat, resting his head against the window. He watches the countryside flash past wishing that time could somehow magically speed up. Sometimes he doesn’t mind long journey’s, but this one was different.

It’s a three-hour train journey from Reading to Manchester, so far, it’s only been an hour and yet it feels so much longer. Dan had bought a magazine at the station, thinking it would be enough to distract him and make the time pass. He’s already read it cover to cover but picks it up again anyway, as if somehow there’ll magically be something new in it this time.

Dan wishes he could shut his thoughts off so at least he could try and nap. He had woken up at 5 am this morning, too nervous and on edge to get back to sleep. It didn’t matter because his final hours at home had been a fury of last minute packing, panic and a moment of crisis where he considered not going at all. The realisation that it was actually happening had finally hit him. He was leaving home to move to a city he’d never been to before to live with a family he didn’t know for a year. To anyone else this would probably sound crazy, his grandma had freaked out a bit when he told her. He had to explain that the Lester’s were recommended by Manchester university, that they had been a certified host family to new students for years. Dan had learnt whilst in the process of arranging the details with them, that Kath Lester worked in the admissions office. She also had a son, a little older than Dan, who was taking his Master’s degree there. Dan explained all this to his grandma and assured her that everything was perfectly safe, that of course the Lester’s were not going to be axe murders. She had given in eventually although he suspects she still wasn’t happy with the idea.

If he was honest, he was a little scared himself. Living with a host family came with several advantages however. He hadn’t had to pay or organise accommodation, apparently Kath got compensation for the host service provision. Dan still thought it was strange that she willingly took in a new student into her own home each year, he couldn’t imagine anything more awkward. In the few times he had spoken to Kath over the phone however, she had seemed really nice. He knew compared to the majority of new students, he was lucky that he wouldn’t have to pay rent on his accommodation or deal with any of the complexities and anxieties of living independently. He hadn’t known until recently, when he had the house to himself for two days, quite how inept he was at certain fundamental things.

But now he was on the train, he realises that he really does not know what to expect from living with another family. The realisation that he will have to live with people he hasn’t even met yet, in their own home, for a year. The thought sends another wave of anxiety over him and he pushes it away. It was too late to have doubts or turn back. Besides, whatever was lying ahead; Dan was sure it had to be better than what he was leaving behind. 

His mum had been strangely emotional when it came to saying goodbye at the train station. Dan hadn’t expected it and didn’t know how to react, he wasn’t used to having to deal with her tears and felt a little awkward. He had tried to laugh it off, telling her that he was only going to Manchester not Jupiter. She said it didn’t matter where he was going, it was that he was leaving, and it meant he was finally grown up. Dan wanted to reply angrily if he was a grown up then why did he feel so out of place? Why did he feel like he didn’t know all the things he should? Why hadn’t she taught him how to do adult things?

He didn’t say any of those things out loud though, nor did he say anything about the disdain she had thrown at him when he told her what he had applied for university for. Dan knew this wasn’t the time for arguing, he’d had enough of that for years. This was a start of a new chapter in his life, he was finally getting out of the shitty town he’d spent so long hating, that held bad memories that weighed heavily in his heart. All of that didn’t matter now; he was finally leaving. By the time the train pulled in, Dan had suddenly felt a bit scared. They’d shared a final hug, in which his mum held on tight and Dan felt another stab of emotion. He’d blinked away the wetness in his eyes, not wanting her to see and promised he would call her when he arrived. He waved goodbye one last time before finding an empty seat and collapsing into it, he couldn’t deny that there was a heaviness in his heart that he couldn’t explain. The train pulled out of the station eventually, Dan watched as ugly grey buildings, motorways and flyovers flashed past the window, until suddenly it was replaced with fields of green. Dan had not been anywhere much in the UK before, he’d been to London a few times but only for a day at the most. Now he was leaving the ugly, dull town he’d spent so long hating to move to a new city to start university. When he applied and gotten in, he hadn’t thought much about it. He wanted to get out of Wokingham more than anything. Now that it was happening, it was kind of hard to accept. Dan wished the journey would go quicker, the longer he spent sitting on the train the more his brain started to unravel itself. Was he even making the right decision? He really didn’t know if he wanted to spend three years studying and he was even less sure what he wanted to do after.

It starts to rain as they pass through Birmingham, the grey clouds looming heavy. It provides a brief moment of distraction. Dan watches the droplets hit the glass and run down in little rivers. But by the time they pass through Stoke on Trent it stops and the sky becomes clearer. He tries to stretch a little, the uncomfortable confinement of his seat was beginning to make his legs ache.

The last hour drags past as achingly slowly as the one before it but eventually the driver announces that they would shortly be arriving. Dan suddenly wishes there were another three hours, his brain doing a complete one eighty. His legs feel heavy as he steps off the train at Manchester Piccadilly Station, somehow his suitcase feels a lot heavier now than it did when he left home. He can feel the side of it hitting his legs every time he takes a step. The station is crowded and noisy, people push past him rushing to cross platforms and dive onto trains. He manages to drag his suitcase awkwardly up the stairs and across the bridge to the station exit.  

 

Dan recognises Kath in the crowd of people, she seems to recognise him equally as quickly. Dan feels awkward but tries hard to not let it be obvious, he wants to make good first impression. The smile she gives him as he approaches is warm and kind. She isn’t alone, a boy stands beside her, a few years older than himself, looking as awkward as Dan feels. Dan thinks he must be her son as the resemblance is notable.

“Daniel!” Kath beams at him when he approaches and catches him off guard by enveloping him in a big hug. “How was your journey?”

“It was uh-good thanks!” Dan replies with a stutter, he feels overwhelmed with everything already.

“It’s wonderful to meet you at last, gosh aren’t you tall!” Kath smiles at him again. Dan laughs awkwardly not knowing what else to say, he wishes he wasn’t so so bad at interacting with new people.

“This is my son Phil- who is also very tall. I’m going to be living in a house with giants this year.” Kath says and gestures to the boy beside her.

“Hi Dan- is it Dan or Daniel?” He reaches out a hand but then stops, letting it drop awkwardly by his side. “Sorry. It’s nice to meet you!” Phil says, smiling and Dan can’t help but notice that the look strangely alike. Their haircuts where similar, although Phil’s was black compared to his own dull brown. They were almost the same in height and in a weird coincidence, they were both wearing plaid shirts.

“It’s Dan yeah, hi!” He inwardly cringes at how dumb and young his voice sounds. He cannot deny that the warm welcome is unexpectedly pleasant, and it does help to lessen his nerves a little. Dan wants to give a good first impression and hopes that he has already.

Kath gets Phil to take his case, Dan tries to protest but is shushed and he reluctantly hands it over to him who smiles brightly again. He is grateful when they finally exit the station, the noise and the rush of people beginning to make him uncomfortable. If he is honest, it isn’t that much better once they do get out onto the street and cross the road to the carpark. He’s only been in Manchester for five minutes, only seen a tiny percentage of it but he could be on the other side of the world with how alien it seems to him. It feels a bit like a dream, he doesn’t know if it really is him here, inside this body or not. He watches his feet take each step, he knows that they are obviously his own, but the disorientation continues to cloud his brain. He feels a dull ache in his shoulder from carrying his bag and his palms are sweating again. It’s just as busy on the street, Dan thinks this is going to be one of many things he will have to get used to.

He feels mildly relieved to be inside the car, the security of it allows him to take a few breaths.  He declines the offer to sit up front- the thought of which made him feel uncomfortable for some reason. They hit the late afternoon Saturday traffic trying to get out of the city centre. Kath takes the opportunity to point out some of the landmarks to Dan, he tries to respond and seem interested despite still feeling far away from himself. Phil and Kath launch into a conversation about a story Dan obviously has no knowledge about. His thoughts start to drift off again. He hadn’t been able to mentally prepare for today as he hadn’t known what to expect. He has to remind himself that this was the choice he made, he decided to come here and do this and now he had to see it through. When they drive past Manchester University; Dan is pulled out of his thoughts momentarily by Kath pointing it out to him. Dan looks out of the window at the campus and immediately feels nauseous again, his uncertainty about starting university magnifying now that he was here. He tries to not let his emotions show on his face, not wanting to have a conversation that might lead up to him having to admit his mixed feelings.

He learns that Phil is doing his Masters in Post Production and Visual Effects, part-time so he could do an extra-curricular in teacher training. This surprises Dan a little; he doesn’t think Phil looks like someone who would want to be a teacher but then he remembers he doesn’t know anything about him and looks can be deceiving. What he knows for certain is that he is feeling more ambivalent about his own choices with each passing minute. He doesn’t want to think about it, for the past month he’s been pushing the thoughts away every time they would creep into his mind. Unfortunately, he is unable to avoid it because once they are mostly out of the traffic, Kath switches her attention on him. Dan knew he would have to answer some questions at some point, he had hoped that he could put it off until later.

“So, what is it you are going to be studying again Dan, is it Drama?” Kath asks him, raising her eyes to the rear-view mirror to glance at him before returning her gaze to the road. They were still moving through the traffic at a snail’s pace.

“Music.” Dan replies after a moment of hesitation. He still feels self-conscious about admitting it, the memories of telling his parents still lingered in his mind. He waits for the skeptic look and quiet tone of judgement that he expects to receive but it doesn’t come.

“Oh really?” Kath’s voice is surprised but not in a way that makes him cringe. “That’s great, I don’t think I’ve ever hosted a music student before. What instrument do you play?” she asks.

Dan is surprised. He isn’t used to people being intrigued in anything about him really, expect his grandma but she was biased so it didn’t count.

“Uh- piano.” He stutters slightly hesitant in his reply.

There was still a part of him that wanted to keep it a secret, it had for so long been a part of him that hardly anyone knew about. The thought that he’d soon have to get over that when classes started sent a pang of anxiety through him. He buried it in the back of his mind, it was something he would have to deal with later.

“Oh, how wonderful. I love the piano, we have one in the house that never gets used. You must play for us Dan!”

Dan bites down on his lip. “Sure.”

The idea of it makes him uncomfortable but he doesn’t want to appear rude, it wasn’t Kath’s fault. There were so many emotions wrapped up and surrounding his piano playing; he couldn’t even begin to imagine trying to explain them. It wasn’t that he was against playing for the Lester’s or in front of anyone really, it was the expectation that fucked with his brain- along with other things. He avoids having to talk about it as much as possible, the confidence crisis that piano playing brought on was just the surface. Dan tries to smile politely and hopes the conversation topic will change onto something else. The rest of the journey passes quickly, Kath tells him random pieces if information about Manchester. Dan tries to listen and absorb what he can, but he feels the tiredness catching up on him. there was something about car journey’s that made him lethargic; it didn’t help that he had only had four hours sleep at best last night. The restless energy and a well-established terrible sleep schedule was a bad combination.

The Lester’s house was a lot further out from the city center than Dan thought; to get into the main part of town he’d need to take one bus and to get to university he’d need to take two. Dan watches as the streets pass by the window; he already liked the look of Manchester and the feel of it. Maybe it was just because it was different. When they arrive at the house, Dan is a little taken back. It’s bigger than he expected it to be, and a little creepy looking if he is honest. Kath tells Phil to show Dan to his room and give him a tour, while she makes some tea. The house is even more intimidating inside, Phil shows Dan to the guest room first and tells him that it used to be belong to his older brother who has now left home. This room will be Dan’s for the next year, saying that inside his head feels strange. _His room._ There’s more space in here than what he had back in Wokingham, there’s a desk in one corner by the window. Immediately he thinks that is where he wants to place is keyboard. There was something about playing whilst looking out at the world that made him feel calm, a lot calmer than when he had to play in other situations. Dan leaves his suitcase in his new room and follows Phil around for the tour of rest of the house. As they turn each corner he thinks that it could be an ideal place to shoot a horror film, the creepiness of the walls and weird angles are both cool yet unnerving.

The quietness is of the house and between the two of them begins to feel slightly awkward and Dan wonders if he should say something, would be appropriate to joke about the creepiness of house with Phil? Dan knows his tendencies to say too much and at the wrong time, especially with new people and in situations. Should he be worried about making a joke now, he wasn’t sure, but Phil did have a seemingly easy-going nature.

“I know, the house is really creepy isn’t it?” Phil asks suddenly as they turn the corner onto the landing. The layout of the house was weird, with vertical stairs on the landing and crooked corners. Even some of the windows were old and vaguely sinister looking, Dan didn’t want to imagine what the house was like in the dark.

Dan thinks that maybe he isn’t as good at hiding his thoughts as he thinks; or maybe Phil is a mind reader.

“It’s like the house from the Shining.” Dan replies, he’s only half joking but he hopes that it isn’t too inappropriate; and that Phil understands the reference.

Phil eyes are bright when they meet his own and there’s a trace of smile on his face. “Well it is haunted, but I haven’t seen any ghosts of creepy twins so far!”

Dan doesn’t know if he’s being serious about the haunted part. He thinks of himself as quite a cynical and sceptic person normally and he is aware of how ridiculous it is as an eighteen-year-old; but he was afraid of the dark. He didn’t believe in ghosts, that didn’t mean he wasn’t afraid of places that they could be. The doesn’t know where the fear of the dark came from, only that he has had it for as long as he can remember. It was embarrassing, and he’d rather not acknowledge to it but he has to ask.

“You’re joking right?” Dan asks, fully aware that he sounds apprehensive and wishes he could be less easily affected by these things. He really didn’t want to admit to it, especially to someone he’s only just met.

Phil pauses for a few seconds before replying. “I’ve always thought it was haunted, there’s just this really creepy vibe that’s always been there. I’ve heard noises sometimes and like, weird shadows and stuff.”

Great, as if he needed any more reason to feel on edge, the slightest thing can set off his overactive imagination.

“Have you ever seen a ghost, like in the house?” Dan asks. He isn’t sure he wants to know the answer really but it’s too late now.

“I don’t think so. Nothing that has made me go,” he makes a shocked face. “But my brother swears he’s saw a ghost at the bottom of the stairs when he was twelve.”

“And do you believe him?”

“I dunno really, he did like to wind me up a lot as a kid, so he could be lying, but just because I haven’t seen a ghost yet doesn’t mean it isn’t haunted. I haven’t been murdered yet though so hopefully no demonic children will appear.”

Dan shakes his head unable to stop the small smile appear on his face. Phil was weird, but a good kind of weird. He thinks they could get on well, at least he hopes they will. All the friends he did have had gone to universities all over the country and already communication was wavering. Despite getting on with them, he’d never had anyone he considered a best friend before. He thought going to a new city would be good opportunity to meet knew people, but he also knew himself and his tendencies to shut himself away from everyone. To make friends, you needed to be sociable and Dan didn’t think he was very good at that.

“You like horror films then?” Phil asks, and it takes Dan several seconds to figure out why Phil would be asking; then he remembers his Shinning reference.

“I like some horror films, I’m not like a fanatic or anything. I just appreciate if a film has been made well.”

Phil nods. “Me too. What films are some of your favourites?”

He has to think for a moment; normally he does not like these kinds of questions because he can never remember any of the top of his head.

“Uh well I like a lot really; Moulin Rouge, Star Wars some Tarantino-

“Good films, but what Tarantino?” Phil asks.

Dan prepares for a disagreement but says his opinion anyway. “I think Kill Bill is his best work.”

Phil grins then and opens the door to his room to reveal a Kill Bill poster on the inside of it. “Me too!”

Dan laughs.

The next few minutes Dan learns all he needs to know about Phil’s taste in films, video games and music to tell him that they have more in common than anyone else Dan has met. The flow of conversation is easy and natural, Dan forgets that they are standing in the middle the hallway outside Phil’s room still. He does not remember the last time he was able to talk to someone as comfortably and doesn’t know how that makes him feel yet. Is it good? Could he and Phil possibly be friends? Would Phil want to be friends with someone like him? Dan doesn’t know if he’s interesting enough for anyone to want to be friends with him. He was sure Phil would have far better things to do and he doesn’t want to be an dumb kid hanging around all the time. Dan wants to hope, if nothing else that they will be able get on enough to maybe play games and talk sometimes. He was used to living in a house where arguments and fights were fairly common place, especially as he grew older. He was willing to admit some of it was his fault, but it didn’t make him any less glad to be away from it. Somehow in what little time he’d been around the Lester’s- Dan didn’t think fights were something happened here often.

He’s glad that he and Phil have some things in common, at least they would be able have conversations about things that he knew about and liked. It was nice to know that there was at least someone he could talk to already was a relief, he just hopes Phil won’t find him annoying.

Their conversation is interrupted, breaking the spell a little, by Kath calling up that she has made tea and for them to come down to the dining room. They go back down stairs, this time Dan notices a few more quirky features of the house that both intrigue him and make some of the hairs on his neck stand on end. 

 

They all sit together at the table whilst having the tea, Kath has made cake and insists on giving Dan the biggest slice. She asks him more about his life, family and growing up. He doesn’t mind the questions so much, but it does feel a little overwhelming. There are several questions he does not know how to answer, he fumbles over some of his responses and kicks himself mentally for being so socially awkward.

Kath seems to take pity and tells Phil show Dan the garden. All he really wants to do is lock himself in his room to decompress then sleep for hours. Instead he follows Phil through the dining room and out the back door. On the way past, he notices the piano, the lid is closed and the top of it is being used to stand several photo frames. It looks quite old and unused, but something tugs inside Dan’s chest at the sight of it. He had only played on a proper piano a couple of times; he was used to playing on a keyboard that he’d had since he was twelve. Dan loved it because of the sentimental attachment and because it was all he had. But it did not compare to playing on a real piano, nothing did. Kath notices him staring at it and must be able to read his expression because he gives him another big smile and a look of understanding.

Once outside, Dan realises that the garden is on two levels, separated by a few steps of stairs. Everything about this house was odd but Dan liked it, it was different. They sit down on the low concreate wall, the sky is above them cloudy, but the temperature is still warm for mid-September. Dan takes a few sips of his tea, suddenly realising he is quite thirsty. The silence is okay at first but as the seconds pass Dan begins to feel more awkward. He feels he should say something, ask a question or anything.

“Sorry about the interrogation by the way, she always asks loads of questions.” Phil says breaking the silence finally.

“Oh it’ okay, I don’t mind.” While that wasn’t strictly true he didn’t want to seem rude. He didn’t mind some questions at all, it was what to do when he didn’t want to answer that was the problem. The silence falls over them again. In the faint distance Dan can hear the sound of traffic but apart from that it’s quiet. He takes a moment to glance at Phil. His long hair styled is almost exactly like Dan’s, he still cannot ignore the fact they are dressed similarly. He remembers something from earlier and finds that he is too curious to stop himself from asking.

“So, you’re a teacher?” Dan does not miss the slight grimace that passes over Phil’s face, it lingers and he thinks that it does not belong there. 

“I’m not a teacher yet. I’m just going this teaching course on the days when I’m not at uni for- well you know, just in case.” Phil replies, mumbling the last part and looking down. Dan recognises the uncertainty in his voice and in his expression and his curiosity rises.

“Do you want to be a teacher?” Dan doesn’t want to pry but asks anyway, he is aware of his tendencies to talk too much. 

“Not really. I mean, I wouldn’t hate it if I could end up teaching something I liked. If I end up teaching film production or media then I’d be okay with that, as long as it wasn’t like math or something.”

Dan pauses for a second, wondering if he should say what was on his mind. It could be too forward, they had only just met but still Dan felt this strange ease of conversation- like they had known each other for a lot longer.

“What do you want to do?” he asks, “I can tell that you don’t want to teach Phil it's okay to admit it.”

Phil smiles a little then. “Am I that obvious?” he asks raising an eyebrow but continues quickly. “I’m not sure really. I love media and production, but I also loved doing linguistics. I guess I’m just keeping my options open for now?”

Dan nods, not really knowing what to say to that. He wonders if he’s doing the right thing. pursuing the study of something that yes, he did love, but didn’t know where it would lead him. There was not knowing and then there was the all-consuming certainty he felt sometimes that it would lead nowhere. Dan shoves those thoughts away, burying them in a box before the anxieties of self-doubt and existential crisis took over. 

“What about you?” Phil asks, making Dan freeze. He had been dreading this kind of question but before he can react further Phil continues.

“What made you wanna study Music and in Manchester of all places?”

Dan didn’t always deal well with questions like this where he had to think about his future, he didn’t like what it did to his brain. He could talk about some things but this? The expectation put upon him that he should have an answer and that he should know what he was doing and why. He considers lying or saying nothing at all. Anything to avoid having to talk or admit to what a giant fucking failure he was, or how completely hopeless he felt. Dan looks into Phil’s eyes; there so bright and blue it mesmerises him for several seconds. More than that, there was something about Phil that compelled Dan to want to be honest. For the first time since he could remember he did not feel the inclination to hide behind his normal defensive walls. There was something about Phil that was just, different.

Dan chews on his lip. “It’s kind of complicated to explain."

A slight frown furrows into Phil’s forehead. “How so?"

“I suppose it’s less about me wanting to study music and more that I don’t want to do anything else.” Dan replies, knowing that it doesn’t make much sense. It's a vauge answer but it's the best he can do right now. 

Phil doesn’t seem to know how to respond for several seconds. “Oh.”

“And I chose I chose Manchester because more than anything I wanted to get out and away from my parent’s and the town I was grew up in.” Dan continues, ignoring that realisation that he seemed to be making Phil uncomfortable. He thinks that maybe he should have lied after all.

“Oh.” Phil says again and Dan wonders if he really has killed the conversation dead, it wouldn’t be the first time and he mentally kicks himself for it.

“But why not London? I would have thought it’d have better places to study music. I know there’s that school, the really famous one- Phil breaks off, gesturing clearly trying to remember the name.

Dan knows what he means, somehow. “Royal Academy of Music.”

"That’s it!” Phil smiles genuinely. “You could have gone there!”

 There is not a single trace of malice or sarcasm to Phil’s voice, but Dan still scoffs. “No, I couldn’t. I’m nowhere near good enough to be accepted, even in my wildest dreams that wouldn’t happen.”

He watches the smile slowly fall from Phil’s face, but Dan is too on edge, building emotions inside his brain to stop the words from pouring out.

“Anyway, London is still too near Wokingham for my liking. If I could have I’d have gone to Juilliard- I wanted to but there was no way I could afford to live and study in New York. And they wouldn’t have accepted someone as mediocre as me anyway, so-

Dan pauses, trying to collect himself. He knows he’s talking too much, he knows he sounds childish and overdramatic. “Manchester was the next best option.” Dan doesn’t add that it was the only place to give him an unconditional offer, that had been the ultimate deciding factor.

“You would have gone to America?” Phil asks incredulous, again Dan can detect no sarcasm in his voice, only curiosity.

“If I got offered a place at Juilliard, then yeah I probably would.” It feels a little like a lie. He doesn’t know that for sure, but since it was only in the realm of fantasy he can allow himself to believe he would.

Phil shakes his head a little, his eyes wide. “But America is so far away. I couldn’t do that, it’s too big and scary!”

Dan shrugs. There was little point in furthering the conversation, he didn’t’ enjoy discussing his endless failures and he didn’t want Phil to know how much of one he was. Dan hadn't wanted them to, but the insecurities were bubbling to the surface.  

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not there, I’m here and it’ll have to do. It’s better than where I was anyway so-

Phil seems to be just as thankful for the slight change in conversation or maybe he was just getting better at masking his reactions, Dan couldn’t be sure.

“It’s near Reading right, Wokingham?”

Dan nods.

“I’ve never been, I’ve only been to London twice.”

“Don’t bother, you’re not missing anything.” Dan replies and winces a little at the hostility in his voice. If it wasn’t obvious before then it certainly would be now, of how much he hated his hometown. He had to keep reminding himself that he wasn’t there anymore, that this was an opportunity for a fresh start. 

“Sorry, I just- Dan pauses, he doesn’t want to make the conversation any more awkward or make himself seem any more insufferable. “I don’t have many good memories there so this is supposed to be like,” he gestures at nothing. “A fresh start or whatever.”

Phil nods, there’s kindness and understanding in his gaze and Dan doesn’t know what to do with that. There’s a comfortable silence, Dan takes the opportunity to look at the expanse of the garden. It’s far bigger than the one back home and much nicer, in fact everything about the Lester’s was nice. Dan liked the large and intimidating house and their relaxed and friendly personalities. He already feels more welcome here in less than an hour than all of the eighteen years spent in Wokingham.

So why piano?” Phil asks after a few moments of silence. When Dan looks at him again he thinks he can detect nervousness in Phil’s eyes and in his body language. He hopes he isn’t the cause of it, he hopes he hasn’t made a bad impression already- although he wouldn’t be surprised.

“Well, I’ve been playing piano since I was ten so-”

“Wow, that’s a long time. What made you want to get lessons?”

Normally Dan would hate this interrogation of questions but somehow, he does not mind Phil asking. He finds that he does not mind answering so much now either. 

“If I tell you, you’ve got to promise you won’t laugh!”

“I promise!” Phil replies, and he gestures drawing a cross on his chest.

Dan cannot believe he is about to admit to this but he ignores the initial twinge of embarrassment. “Did you ever watch Arthur as a kid?”

A smile breaks across Phil’s face and Dan is taken a back slightly at how bright it is, lightening up the rest of his features. It was something he always noticed in people, how they smiled, Phil had a nice one.

“Of course. It’s a classic.” 

“Truly a masterpiece of our time.” He replies, he meets Phil’s gaze and they smile. “There was that episode; when Arthur plays Fur Elise?”

Phil nods slowly. “I think I remember.”

“Well that was why I started learning. I remember hearing that music and became obsessed with learning to play it. I guess it just grew from there.”

As far as origin stories went, Dan was aware that this was both a weird and slightly embarrassing one. But Phil does not tease or scoff- instead he seems more and more interested in everything Dan is saying as the minutes pass. He didn't know why on Phil's part but he couldn't pretend to himself that he didn't find Phil interesting-because he did. 

“What about you, why Post Production and Video effects?” Dan asks, he didn’t know that such a degree existed. 

“I don’t know really. After I got my Linguistics degree, I kinda wanted to keep studying?” Phil explains, looking down at the cup in his hands. “And I’ve always wanted to learn how to edit and put together videos and other media and stuff. So yeah, it sounded interesting. It is interesting, I love it a lot.”

Dan doesn’t know why Phil seems to be shy, as if talking about it was awkward. He wonders yet again if they have more in common than they think.

“So, do you want to like, make films and stuff or?”

A light pink appears on Phil's cheeks, noticeable only because of how pale his skin looks normally. “I uh- well I sometimes make YouTube videos, I haven’t done in a while because I was so busy during my first term and I kinda lost inspiration but-

Phil breaks off, he seems more skittish than before and Dan wonders if Phil finds admitting this to him embarrassing. Dan doesn’t think it is, if anything his interest grows.

“Really, that’s cool. What kind of videos?”

Phil’s eyes snap up to meet his, Dan wonders if Phil is trying to see if he is being genuine or not. He hopes Phil can tell that he is, there’s a moment of silence where their gaze does not break. There was something about Phil’s eyes, the colour of them that was kind of mesmerising.

“I don’t know how to describe them. I guess they’re kind of just me talking about stuff I think might funny or interesting that have happened in my life. well I mean I did, like I said-it’s been a while since I made one.” Phil replies, still sounding marginally embarrassed.

“That’s cool Phil!” Dan hopes he sounds like he means it because he does. “Do you enjoy it?”

Phil nods eventually. “I did, I do.”

Dan frowns. “Why don’t you make more of them?”

Phil looks down at his cup again, swirling the remains of the liquid around. “I guess I just feel weird about doing it because it might not lead me anywhere. At least I know that with this degree or with the teaching thing, it’s a legitimate thing.”

Dan shook his head. “But do you really want to teach, like honestly?”

Phil looked a little defeated, his shoulders dropping, and Dan had a wild inclination to reach out and grab is hand. He doesn’t.

“No- I don’t.” Phil replies, it sounds more like an admission to himself than to Dan.

“Then why are you doing it Phil?” he asks, his voice softer. He knew Phil didn’t mean to, but this conversation was starting to make Dan feel even more anxious about his own choices.

He’s only known Phil for a few hours and yet he finds he cares, he cares, and Dan wants to try to help if he can.

“If it isn’t what you want to do then why put yourself through it?”

Phil sighs dejectedly then shrugs. “It’ll get me a job, y’know-it’s reliable.”

Dan shakes his head. He hates that mentality, hates that it is forced upon you by adults and parents. He hates that there is a universal expectancy to get a boring, reliable job in just to have a boring unhappy life. He might not know exactly what he wants, but he knows what he does not want.

“You shouldn’t pursue something that doesn’t make you happy, life’s too short for that.”

Phil looks at him at first with surprise then smiles a little. “You’re right, it is.”

Dan looks at Phil again, he can see the wishful look in his eyes, it sparks a strange feeling in his chest.

“You should start making them again Phil. Even if it’s just for a hobby, maybe something will come of it-maybe it won’t but- Dan pauses.

They’re eyes meeting again, the intensity of it makes him temporarily lose his train of thought. “You should still do it, if it makes you happy then that’s reason enough.” Dan finishes. The atmosphere had definitely changed, he couldn’t explain what exactly, but he felt it. He feels slightly silly, he worries that he might have said too much and been too forward.

The smile Phil gives him in response lessens some of that worry. “Maybe I will. I think I will.”

 

Dan’s first night is an uneasy one. Despite being tired and emotionally drained, he could not shake off the nervous energy. The bed underneath him feels strange and the walls around him are foreign. The light on the bedside table is still on because without it the room is almost pitch black and he could not handle it. His ears pick up on every noise he hears, and his brain magnifies it. Dan wonders how long it will take to get used to sleeping in here, to living in this house. 

The rest of the evening had been nice-really nice. He and Phil had talked for hours about their mutual interests, after much persuading- Phil had finally given in and told Dan his YouTube channel. Later, when he was alone in his room he watched every video one after another and loved them all. Dan could hardly believe that they had so much in common or how well they seemed to get on already. Despite that, Dan was worried; he didn’t want to appear too forward, awkward or clingy. He really didn’t want to be annoying. They’d played video games together in front room until early evening. Later, Dan met Kath’s husband Nigel and the four of them sat at the table to have dinner. The atmosphere was calm and friendly, but Dan had felt too nervous to relax properly. Everything that he had seen about the Lester’s so far had been nice. It’s not that he was expecting them not to be, more that he was not used to being around a family like them. 

Dan had called home around eight o’clock, a lot later than he knows he should have but he honestly forgot to earlier. He expects his mum to scold him a little or at least to sound disdainful. Neither of these things happen, Dan could tell she was distracted by something when he told her about the day by her responses. He doesn’t bother embellishing any details, he was not surprised at her lack of engagement but a little disappointed. He promised to call again before the end of the week before hanging up. He called his grandma next, he is grateful for her concern but did not feel like answering all her questions. It had been a whole day of people and questions and everything all at once. He feels exhausted by it all.

Eventually he falls into an uneasy sleep, dreaming several times but not remembering them. When he wakes the next morning, he forgets where he is, the unfamiliar surroundings cause several moments of panic. The realisation slowly sets in, Dan doesn’t know how long he slept for, but it feels like he hasn’t at all. It must look obvious because Kath comments on it straight away, her voice is full of concern that Dan doesn’t know what to do with. He does his best to assure her that he is okay but doesn’t think she fully believes him. Phil suggests going into town which Dan gratefully accepts, if anything he hopes it will be fun and distract his mind for a few hours. 

The distraction works. He and Phil go all around the town centre, so he can get used to where things are but it's kind of confusing and Dan worries internally that he'll probably end up getting lost at some point. After, Phil takes him to the places he thinks are the coolest or the most interesting. They go to Starbucks for lunch and then spend a ridiculous amount of time in Retro Games. Dan finds that he likes the look and feel Manchester, it’s almost futuristic with the sky scrapers and other architectural buildings. He feels even more tired when they return back to the house, but he feels okay. It had been a good day, the best he’s had in a long time. Dan wants the feeling to last.

He hopes it will.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading,
> 
> you can find me on [tumblr](http://lesthowells.tumblr.com/)


	2. chapter two

After Dan's first night in the Lester's house, the rest of week passes quicker than Dan thought it would. He gets used to waking up in a new room, with its bright wallpaper instead of the dull brown he was used to back home. He gets accustomed to living with the Lester’s, gets to know their little quirks, habits and personalities. Dan finds it funny know that he was so worried about meeting them, about how he would find living with them. All of that worry was for nothing, they are the easiest and nicest people Dan has ever met. He also gets used to the strange creepiness to the house, although it is still scary in the dark and sometimes even during the day. There was something fundamentally unsettling about it, if he were superstitious, then he could totally believe that the house was haunted. As it was, he just felt unsettled by it but he begins to not mind because most of all, he gets used to having someone to talk to every day-Phil. It's still strange, he has never met anyone else before that he was able to get on so well with and so quickly. It's almost too good to be true. 

Dan gets gradually gets familiar with Manchester and the vastness of it compared to Wokingham, it feels a world away from where he grew up but he likes that, likes that it is different, different is what he wanted. A week goes by and Dan can say he’s feeling okay, that everything is working out okay. He looks forward to his days playing video games and watching films and TV with Phil and dinnertime which is always taken at the table, the four of them; Kath, Nigel, Phil and himself. After the third night he no longer found it awkward, conversation was easy and unpressured. Dan had expected there to be some tensions but there were none and it leaves him thinking once more of the differences between his life back in Wokingham. Kath picks up on something in his expression and asks if he is okay, asks if he is missing home. He hesitates slightly in response because he honestly isn’t sure. In some ways he guesses he does miss some things about his old home. He misses some of the familiarity, he misses the view from his window sometimes, he misses his grandma. But it does not make him melancholy, Dan realises he only misses those things when asked to think about it. He wonders if that makes him strange, that he has adapted so quickly. He doesn’t tell Kath that he had been so desperate to leave his home town, that the main reason for applying to university had been to get a ticket out. It’s too much to admit out aloud on only the third night since arriving, the conversation moves on, but the thoughts stay with Dan for the rest of the night.

It's in the back of his mind when he calls his grandma in the evening, she is full of questions and curiosity, demanding he tell her everything. He doesn't obviously, changing the subject by asking how things were back home. He doesn't know why he expects there to be anything changed, it's only been a few days, but hearing the same old stories leaves him with a lingering heaviness in his chest. He pushes it away, that wasn't his life now, he was here and things were different. Dan finds that his days are good mostly, he cannot be thankful enough for the how well the Lester’s welcome him into their home, into their life. Dan is able to say he is feeling mostly okay after a week, except there was one thing constantly in the back of his mind and weighing him down. The first week rolled into a second and as each day passed, the anticipation that he would be starting university soon creeped up and up. The more he tried to keep the thoughts out of his conscious mind, the more the feeling of dread increased. It was with him almost every moment, lurking in the corners of his brain. Dan found it harder to keep suppressing the anxiety and apprehension away from burning holes into the forefront of his mind. It was so much worse when he was alone, and he had nothing to occupy his mind with. The thoughts would start to make their way in and he could do nothing to get rid of them. One night, on his thirteenth day in living in Manchester he almost decided to give in completely, pack his bags and go back home. Dan isn’t sure what it was that stopped him from doing so, a small but powerful force intervened. It wasn’t just his own worries that made things difficult on daily basis. It was having to pretend to Kath and everyone else that nothing was wrong, that he wasn’t on brink of an impending crisis. It’s not just that he felt he cannot tell the Lester’s but that he cannot tell anyone; not even his grandma, who always wants to know everything. Dan confines in her a lot of things but not this, he knows she will mostly likely worry. He has so far managed to avoid talking about university, piano and any other topics that he doesn’t want to discuss. It will not last and knows he cannot avoid it forever.

The truth was he has not played the piano since he left home, despite the rational side of his brain telling him that he needs to practice, not just because of university but for his wellbeing in general. The longer the amount of time he distances himself from playing the harder it becomes to get over it. It’s made worse as he had been given a piece of music to learn before his first class on Monday as an introductory exercise. Dan had taken one look at the sheet music whilst still in Wokingham, then buried it at the bottom of his suitcase and not looked at it since. He had also been told to prepare something of his own choice to play in the first class, it wasn’t going to be graded or assessed in any way, but the thought of having to play anything and in front of a room full of strangers had still evoked panic in him. So, in an unhealthy coping mechanism, Dan evaded thinking about it as much as he could. He knew he was being ridiculous, that he was only making things worse for himself the longer he put off practicing. The logic behind it didn’t always make sense even his own mind so the idea of telling anyone else seemed fruitless, he was sure that no-one would understand even if he tried to explain it. What would he even say? He didn’t want to do the one thing he was really passionate about? That he was terrified of something that he had been doing for years?

No-one would understand he knew that already, but it doesn’t stop Dan from wishing that he could try and explain it to Phil though. After only two weeks, Dan knows he has met anyone he has connected with so quickly, he has never had a friend like Phil before. It feels weird to even say that they were friends and he wouldn’t have allowed himself to consider it if Phil hadn’t said so first. They had gone into town to Afleck’s palace one afternoon and had run into someone Phil knew from university. He had introduced Dan as his friend then, the certainty in Phil’s voice had thrown him and the surprise of it still lingered in his brain days later. It was a good surprise, even though he didn’t understand why. Dan wonders if he were to try to explain his apprehension, would Phil understand? Would it even help? Dan couldn’t see right now how it would and yet part of him still wishes. 

The universe seems to hear him in some way.

A Friday afternoon of the weekend before Dan starts first week at university, he sits down at the desk in his room where he set up his keyboard. He doesn’t do anything yet, just sits and stares at the black and white keys until his eyes sting and vision becomes a blur. Dan can feel his fingers are shaking and his heart rate increasing. He feels mildly nauseous, his throat dry. He knows he’s over thinking, a detrimental habit that keeps holding him back, so he closes his and tries to clear his thoughts. They keys are cold under his fingers but familiar. He plays the first few notes then silently curses himself when his finger slips. The moment passes, he takes a deep breath and tries again. This time he gets past the first bar and the relief he feels immediate. The fog inside his mind clears, the tension lifting from his shoulders.  The keys are smooth and dip easily with a touch of each finger, familiarity aiding muscle memory. Dan manages to get through half of the song before he hears something behind him and the shock of it makes him jump- suddenly thrown back into reality.

He spins around in his seat, heart racing from the adrenaline Phil is standing half frozen in the door way, a look of mild panic on his face.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to disturb you I- He stumbles over his words, leaning back out of the door way slightly.

Dan frowns automatically, a sudden wave of self-consciousness coming over him. “Were you listening to me the whole time?”

Phil looks even more flustered then and Dan feels bad for reacting so sharply. He was just surprised, caught off guard, he didn’t mean to appear angry.

“Yeah. Sorry, I was just passing by and I heard you playing- was that Pyramid Song?”

Dan smiles a little then, weirdly pleased that Phil recognised it despite having played it out of the correct key and messing up multiple times. “Yeah, it was.”

Phil smiles then too and looks slightly relieved. “It’s really good. You play really well!”

Dan knows Phil is trying to be nice and maybe he means it, but it doesn’t make him feel better. He shakes his head and stands up from the desk. “It needs work, a lot of it.”

He doesn’t want to play anymore. Thoughts of Monday drift back into his head and it makes him want to cry. How will he be able to play in a room full of other students and teachers if he cannot even play in front of Phil. He has made a mistake, he cannot do this. Why did he allow himself to think that he could? As if somehow all of his problems would magically disappear.

“Oh please don’t stop because of me Dan. I’m sorry I interrupted you I just-

Phil cuts off and Dan wonders if his expression is giving away some of the emotion. He doesn’t want Phil to feel bad because of his own dumb brain.

“It’s okay Phil. I don’t feel like playing anymore anyway.” He doesn't add that it might be another month before he can sit down and play again, what hope was there for him at university if he cannot get over what ever this issue was. His words are not lies but Phil still looks nervous, he hasn’t moved from the doorway and Dan wonders why he won’t just come in.

“Are you okay? Dan asks, and it seems rather silly, but he can tell Phil wants to say something but maybe doesn’t know how. Or maybe Dan has scared him from talking, he screams at himself internally.  

“Yeah. I was just going to ask if you wanted to help me film something, but it’s okay if you don’t. I just wondered, but if your busy I’ll-

“Are you filming something for YouTube?” Dan asks, he doesn’t add that he has been quietly curious about it ever since Phil had mentioned it to him. He also doesn’t mention that he has been re watching Phil’s video’s daily or that he subscribed.

“Yeah. I was thinking about what you were saying the other day and I had this idea for a video, so I thought. I thought I would try and film it while I have free time, but I could use some help with some of it. If you’re okay with that?”

Dan doesn’t know why but that makes him feel strangely happy that Phil had remembered what he had said and took it too heart. “Sure, I’d love to actually.”

Phil smiles wide this time and that makes him happy too.

 

Dan does not know if it is deliberate on Phil’s part, how he keeps him distracted the whole weekend with different things, like he understands Dan’s ugly fears about the coming week and wants to help in some way without saying anything out loud. He helped Phil to film his video which took a lot longer than he thought but Dan didn’t mind, it was actually a lot of fun. After, Phil had shown him the process of editing, he told Dan it was quite boring, but he had found it interesting or maybe it was just that he found Phil interesting. They had talked a lot about his videos and YouTube, he tells Dan about what made him want to start and his aspirations for his channel. Dan decides to do away with subtly and ignore his nerves to tell Phil that he’s watched all his videos and loved them. The blinding smile that Phil gives him in return makes is worth it.

On Saturday they had gone into town again. They visited the Apple Store and Shake Away until it started to rain, and they returned back to the house. They played Guitar Hero and Crash Bandicoot for the rest of the day and the most of Sunday. Dan manages to avoid having to think about anything to do with university until late evening when Kath brings it up at dinner. The question had been innocent, but it had sent his mind into a spiral. Again, Dan thinks Phil must have mind reading abilities because he immediately jumps into the conversation and changes the subject, for which Dan is grateful. He doesn’t hear what Phil is saying, or anything else around him really. The room around him feels fuzzy, like he’s on the other side of a glass door- separate from everything.

After dinner Dan excuses himself and runs upstairs, closing the door to his room. He doesn’t realise he’s crying until then; his chest feels heavy and his eyes are burning. It feels as if someone has crushed his ribs, he tries to muffle the sound until he cannot breathe. For several minutes Dan just sits on the bed and cries. When he manages to calm down a little, enough to breathe properly, he does the only thing he knows that will make him feel better- he calls his grandma. She listens while he pours out his worries, he doesn’t tell her everything obviously but just enough to vent some of his feelings. She is the only person who knows anything about his playing anxiety. He had tried to explain it to her once and she did not understand the logic or quite how bad it was. There were times when she understood that Dan just needed to rant and get things off his chest without questions or a lecture. But after he has said goodbye he feels strangely empty and lonely. He looks over at the keyboard sitting on the desk, the disconnect he has to it is stronger than it ever has been.

Dan wants the feeling of not feeling anything to go away. For the first time in two weeks he wishes he were back at home, in his dull brown bedroom, lying on his old crappy bed. He just desperately wants to have some comfort from something familiar but has nothing around him that can help. He’s trapped with an all-consuming fear that he cannot do any of this, his whole life up to know has been one big mistake. Monday was a dark looming cloud swooping over his head.

A soft knock on the door throws him back into reality. He sits up from the bed slowly, his body feels heavy as he moves. It seems to take forever for him to cross the room and open the door, Phil stands outside- Dan hadn’t expected to be anyone else; his face immediately contorts into concern when he looks at Dan.

“Are you okay?” Phil whispers immediately, expression of concern falling across his face. 

Dan instinctively reaches his hand up to his face, rubbing his eyes. He knows Phil can tell he’s been crying. “I’m fine.”

He does not sound believable, even to his own ears. A small frown appears on Phil’s face, Dan wonders he wants to ask but is unsure of himself. 

“I was wondering if you wanted to play Mario or watch a film or something?” Phil asks, his voice sounding apprehensive.

Maybe Dan takes too long to reply or maybe it is just Phil’s nerves because he speaks again before Dan has a chance to respond.

“You don’t have to!” he says quickly. “I was just wondering because I’m really not looking forward to tomorrow and I thought you might be feeling a bit scared too- I thought it could be a distraction or something.”

Dan wonders how obvious his emotions were to everyone else, he feels stupid, but Phil’s question was so genuine and kind he does not doubt it. He tries to smile but does not quite manage it.

“Okay, I’d love that actually, I’m a bit-” he doesn’t finish the sentence, but he is sure Phil understands anyway because Phil’s face breaks out into a grin and Dan feels lighter immediately. 

They go downstairs to the back room, Dan wonders if Kath will be bothered by this, it was already quite late, but she only smiles as they pass and does not say anything. Phil still seems on edge a little and Dan wonders why, was only about tomorrow or something else? Dan wasn’t sure if Phil was only doing this because he knew Dan was in an internal mess about tomorrow. Even if it were so, he is grateful to not be alone with his thoughts. He is grateful for Phil, even if it was completely one-sided.

“What do you want to play?” Phil asks him once they are sitting on the sofa and tapping the controller against his chin.

Dan didn’t want to make the decision, he couldn’t think of anything anyway. “I don’t mind. You pick.”

They end up playing Bubble Bobble, it’s an old arcade game that Phil has been playing since he was a child, the first he ever played. Dan has never heard of it before but Phil’s enthusiasm and endearment at the nostalgia for it is enough for him to be immediately interested. It turns out to be a fun game but it’s hard. Phil explains the rules and lore of it as they go through each level, because it’s so old there is no save feature on the levels, so the lives they have are precious- but they still die a lot. Phil tells him after the third death in a row that there are a hundred levels to complete, they make a pact that they will get to level hundred- even if it takes them up until Christmas.

The night creeps in, as it gets later, Dan starts to feel lighter and strangely energised as the hours pass. They whisper random things whilst playing, laughing together when they mess up or when a joke is shared. Dan can no longer feel the nervous energy to the atmosphere around them, his brain does not even react when he remembers about tomorrow. Instead all he can focus on is Phil. He watches the way Phil’s face focuses whilst concentrating, how his hair falls over his eyes sometimes that he has to brush it away with his fingers, how when he laughs his tongue sticks out between his teeth. Dan spends much of the remainder of the night looking at Phil. His thoughts carry him away even when they finally go up to bed at two am, Dan stays awake. He doesn’t know what to think, if he should even allow himself to do so. But there’s a warmth in his chest that he hadn’t noticed before tonight, he falls asleep holding onto the feeling; hoping it was good.

 

The first week of university is as horrible and disorientating as Dan expects it to be. He ends up being late to his first seminar due to getting lost in the maze of rooms in the building. He rushes into in to the room midway through the hour and the embarrassment of it makes him wish the ground will swallow him up. Everything else that day is a blur, the people, lectures and all information jumbles around in his brain until he cannot make sense of any of it. The second day is worse. He arrives late again to his performance seminar and the lecturer asks him to play something. He assures Dan that it is not a means of punishment or penance for arriving late, that it is only an introductory task, and everyone will have to play something. 

Dan is so overcome with panic that he freezes, he does not want to do that, he cannot do this. “I haven’t prepared anything.”

His lecturer shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. Play whatever comes to mind, it’s not an assessment, it’s for fun.”

If Dan could laugh he would have, bitter and scorning. Everyone’s eyes are on him now, he feels them burning into his skin. He doesn’t want to do this; pins and needles shoot through his legs and down into his feet. He feels sick, vision blurring slightly. Somehow, he manages to move forward but every step is weighted, his breathing laboured.

Dan sits down at the piano, it’s a Grand and he has never played on one before. It doesn’t feel good. For a moment he forgets himself, forgets everything, he’s a stranger in this body in this life. He wants to leave, get up and run away but there is nowhere to run to. Dan places his hands on the keys, his arms made of led. He doesn’t know what he’s playing, the sound is a distant indistinguishable buzz; like he’s hearing it from under water. It’s only when he stops playing suddenly the silence is too loud. Dan stands up immediately, people are clapping, and the lecture is saying something, but he does not hear any of it. He takes a seat the back of the room and the rest of the hour is a horrible blur.

Dan stumbles through the rest of the week blindly, unsure of what force is behind pushing him through because it does not feel like his own. Kath checks up on him daily, asking how he is getting on and if there is anything he needs he can always ask her. Dan is so grateful, but he does not want to trouble her or anyone else. It wouldn’t be fair, not only because there was nothing she could do but even more because he understands that that he has brought on almost all his problems himself.

The first week feels drags on and it lonely as if he were back in Wokingham during the summer, after his old friends had moved away. The last few weeks there had been so miserable he remembers longing for moving day, now it feels like he is back where he started-at square one. It didn’t really make sense but despite being around more people daily than he has for months, Dan feels lonelier than ever before. He tries to talk to some people in his classes, tries to make idle conversation but it never feels like it is himself speaking. It’s not that people aren’t friendly or nice, most of them are, but it feels redundant.

By Friday afternoon of his first week, Dan feels totally emotionally exhausted. He has not practiced the piano in his own time since- not counting the ordeal in his performance class- the afternoon weeks ago when Phil had interrupted him. Dan knew that his refusal to think about it, the prolonged avoidance and stubbornness was only going to lead to more problems. The rational part of his brain yelled at him that he was bringing the destruction down upon himself, that the situation would escalate unless he did something about it. He knew. And yet still could not make himself practice, the disconnect from his brain and the part of himself that loved playing was paralyzing. What is making it worse was he knew he had to play next week, they all had to have an individual tutorial with their lecturer- the thought of it alone made him want to crawl into a hole.

Dan wishes he could talk to Phil. Not to talk about the mess that was his brain or how horribly shit first week had been or the quarter life crisis he felt he was on the brink of having. Instead Dan wishes he could just _talk_ to Phil; to laugh and play video games and escape out his head for a while. They hadn’t been able to see each other much this week, conflicting timetables and classes together with Phil’s teacher training course that he complained about privately to Dan via text of an evening. It surprised him just how much he missed spending time with Phil, it had only been a few weeks, but he had grown accustomed to it already. Maybe it was stupid on his part, to have become so reliant so quickly on Phil to make him a bit happier when he had no idea if the feeling was reciprocated. It probably wasn’t. He knew he was annoying, that he was he was just stupid teenager hell bent on bringing all this grief upon himself, as usual.

He felt unbelievably thankful that is was now the weekend and for the promise of two days where he didn’t have to do anything, he could lie in bed and be as miserable as he wanted. It wasn’t a good attitude to have he knew. Truthfully, he isn’t sure whether he wants to actually go out and do something, to try and get away from inside his head or if he just wants to sleep the whole 48 hours away. At the present moment, the later sounded more appropriate. The only person he wanted to spend time with is Phil and Dan was sure Phil would want to be with his university friends. It wasn’t his fault Dan was too inept to make any of his own yet and he knew he couldn’t expect Phil to want to be around him.  

Dan calls home again albeit reluctantly. He gets away with discussing the bare minimum with his mum, who for once Dan is glad she doesn’t ever bombard him with questions. His grandma on the other hand, is not so easily swayed. Dan knows it’s because he cares and that she knows him well enough by now to pick up on the tone of his voice. He tells her of his miserable first week but spares the details. Unfortunately, despite a bad phone reception and being 200 miles apart she can still tell when he is lying.

“Have you been practicing?” his Grandma asks him straight, she didn’t ever sugar coat anything. Dan groans and mumbles his response, but she knows him well enough to understand what that means.

“Daniel!” Her tone is a mixture of disapproval and concern, he knows she is right and that he is only making things worse for himself both mentally and for his progress on his course.

He had been given more pieces to practice for the following week, as well as information about the end of term exam which, despite being months away had sent his brain into a tail spin. It was too much to even think about, he cannot take comfort from people’s reassurances that it will get easier, he just doesn’t believe it. To anyone else, he must seem like the biggest fuck up and he feels like he is. He wishes he were a different person, sometimes he wishes he wasn’t alive at all. There are moments where he wonders what had happened to make him the person he was, why did he think and feel this way. The more he thought and tried to analyse the less he understood himself.

“Daniel. You have to practice, you don't want to waste this opportunity do you. You have to promise me you will make the effort to try.” his Grandma speaks again, and it makes him wince.

“Okay.” He hates that is voice sounds weak and unconvincing, he hates her request wasn’t just a promise to her but also to himself, mostly he hates that he already knows he won’t be able to keep it.

Dan says goodbye and hangs up. Normally speaking to his grandma made him feel at least a little bit better but not this time. Dan feels lost. He doesn’t know why he is here or what he wants at all. It feels too much all of a sudden, the pressure inside his head makes his chest ache and his eyes burn. Dan looks over at the keyboard on the desk. There is nothing physically stopping him from walking over, sitting down and starting to play. So why did it feel like the most impossible task in the world?

A knock on the door makes him jump, his heart rate sparking from the surprise. Dan knows it is Phil before he even opens the door. Dan hasn’t seen him since yesterday and even then, it was only for twenty minutes in the morning. The last time they had been able to hang out together was Monday evening. Dan was fine to admit to himself that he missed him, that he had missed spending time with him-because he had.

Phil stands on the hallway outside, his hair slightly messier than normal. There were dark circles under his eyes but apart from that he looks the same as ever; but even so Dan feel a tremor of something in his chest at the sight of him. He tries to ignore it, but his hands still tremble slightly.

“Hey Dan.”

Dan cannot stop a small smile from his face at Phil’s endearing awkwardness. “Hi Phil.”

He returns the smile sheepishly. “Uh me and some friends are going to go to the pub and then to the cinema, do you want to come?”

Dan initial reaction is one of surprise, he doesn’t know why Phil is inviting him. The voice in the back of his head tells him its only because Phil feels sorry for him and is just being polite. He hates that voice, hates that it tells him negative things and hurts him with his own insecurities. Phil must be able to read the expression on his face because a look of worry settles in his features.

“You don’t have to!” he replies quickly. “I just asked because my friend is bringing her new boyfriend and it would be nice to have someone there I can talk to. But I can understand if you’d rather not come you're probably busy or have other plans-

A small warmth flutters inside Dan’s chest. Phil actually wanted him to go? He still doesn’t quite understand why but he does not want to question it. He needs something to do, to get him out of his own head. He wants to spend time with Phil, even if it is going to be with people he has not met. Dan knows that staying shut away from everyone and everything for days is unhealthy. He wants to go out, to feel young and alive and part of the world.

“Phil it’s okay. I’d really like that actually, are you sure they won’t mind?” Dan asks, old habits die hard with his brain and its capacity to doubt.

“Of course. They won’t mind at all and anyway, I'm inviting you because I want you to come.”

Dan wasn’t expecting the forcefulness in Phil’s voice at the affirmation, it makes his head spin a little. “Okay.”

The proper smile Phil gives him in return makes the warmth grow.

 

They leave the house ten minutes later. Dan goes through every item of clothing he owns at least twice before deciding on the plaid shirt he wore on his first day. He does not normally concern about what clothes he wears but somehow tonight he feels it matters. Socialising sometimes makes Dan anxious, especially when it is with people he does not know. At his heart he is an introvert, he doesn’t mind spending time with bigger groups of people only that he finds it exhausting afterwards. Phil tells him on the way into town that he feels the same as Dan too most of the time, but these are his friends from university and not to be intimidated. Dan doesn’t know what to expect really but he hopes he doesn’t make an idiot of himself.

Phil’s friends are really nice as it turns out, Dan finds they are funny and easy to engage with; not in the same way as Phil but he can hold conversations and make jokes without feeling awkward. They go to see Paranormal Activity at the cinema, which he ends up hating, before getting food and ending up in the pub. They are only there for roughly two hours but it’s enough for some of the charm to wear off, as fun as the evening has been, Dan begins to feel chronically tired. Not in the needing to sleep sense, just overwhelmed by hours of being outside and around people gets too much. He’s only had two drinks and while it did help to settle his nervous at first, the effect had worn off long ago and feels too exhausted to have another. Phil had gotten quieter too as it got later, and Dan wondered if he also had the same longing to go home as he did. It hadn’t feel right to ask and there hadn’t been a good time where he could have until they are both left alone at the table for a few minutes. Dan doesn’t waste the opportunity.

“Are you okay?” Dan whispers, they are right next to each other but the noise of the people around them is quite loud, he hopes Phil can hear him.

Phil nods. “I’m okay. Are you?”

Dan considers if he should tell the truth but then he does not want to spoil Phil’s evening, especially since he was kind enough to invite Dan in the first place.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He doesn’t sound convincing, but he does not have to worry about for too long.

“I know it’s still early but I kinda want to go home now if I’m honest, am I being old and boring? Phil asks there’s a trace of uncertainly underneath the jokey question.

“No, I do too!” Dan replies quickly, too quickly really and he cringes a little bit.

Phil doesn’t seem to notice or mind. “Really? 

“It’s been fun but I’m just, really tired?” It’s not really a question but he hopes Phil will understand what he means anyway.

“Me too. Let’s go then, I think the others want to go on somewhere else anyway, so we can just go home.”

Phil’s friends try to get them both to stay out, but Phil laughs at their attempts of persuasion. Eventually they say goodbye and he and Phil head towards the bus stop. It’s properly nighttime so they have longer to wait than normal. The temperature has dropped lower, Phil tells Dan to expect far colder weather to come when it turns into winter. By the time they make it back to the house they are both hungry, it’s later now and his parents are sleep so they have to be careful not to make too much noise. Phil makes them both hot chocolate and toast and jam and they creep up stairs to Phil’s room trying to be as quiet as possible. Phil trips on the last step and almost sends their plates with the toast into the air but catches it at the last second. Dan tries to muffle his laugh but it’s almost impossible when carrying two mugs of hot chocolate. Once their inside Phil’s room, they eat their toast and discuss the film at length-Dan is astounded that Phil actually liked it. He takes several sips of the hot chocolate, the warmth and sweetness flooding through him. He looks around at the blue and green walls that have already become familiar to him, Dan feels calm and content. A total contrast from earlier, he couldn’t be more grateful to Phil for that.

Dan notices Phil’s stare and they share a gaze, smiling simultaneously. Dan notices that when Phil smiles, little creases form at the corners of his mouth.

“You don’t have to tell me, but earlier on when I came to invite you out with me, I could tell you were upset. I wanted to ask why then and later on too, but I got too nervous.” Phil says, looking down momentarily at his hands but then back up again.

Dan only hesitates his reply for a few moments, but it seems enough to make Phil more jittery because he fumbles over his words next.

“I’m sorry. You don’t have to tell me I just wanted to see if I could help at all, maybe.”

Dan feels a little dumbstruck. He doesn’t quite know what to do with Phil’s kindness or how Phil makes him feel generally. A part of Dan really wants to tell him, even if he won’t understand, Dan wants to tell him anyway.

“It’s a lot of things I guess, starting uni and everything.” Dan replies, beginning to try to explain everything he had been feeling for the past month seemed an impossible task. It felt like opening Pandora’s box, his head was a mess and had been for a long time. It was hard to make sense of a lot of it. Dan wasn’t sure if any of it made sense at all, least of all to himself. The isolation it caused was part of the problem, a big part. He didn’t want to feel alone anymore.

Phil nods in response. “It is a lot. The first couple of months are the hardest, I think I called home several times every day during my first two weeks. I cried a lot and complained all the time about how wrong everything felt. I was a mess.”

Dan is surprised and then a little confused. “You didn’t go to Manchester?”

“Nope. York. I wanted to go somewhere new and see if I could be independent. It was hard, really scary at first, but it gets easier and I ended up having the best time.”

“That’s great Phil.” Dan smiles a little but cannot stop the thoughts that tell him it won’t be like that for him. Because he knows it won’t, he wishes he could believe otherwise.

Phil must pick up on Dan’s slightly forlorn reply. “It will get easier Dan trust me. I felt the same, I kept getting lost and so many times I thought I couldn’t do it and considered dropping out.”

Dan sighs a little. “It doesn’t feel like that right now. It feels like I’m drowning. What stopped you from just like, giving up completely?” 

Phil pauses for a few moments. “I guess it was a few things, but I wouldn’t have gotten through any of it without my family and friends.” 

Dan nods and tries to ignore the tiny flare of jealousy that sparks in his chest. It’s not Phil’s fault the people around Dan either don’t care or don’t understand. He cannot blame him or anyone truly, so he resorts to blaming himself.

“Do your folks not lis-sorry I don’t want to nosy.” Phil fumbles over his words but Dan does not feel angry or annoyed. In fact Dan is constantly surprised at how nervy Phil gets when asking him questions, how he immediately apologies for everything. It's cute, he thinks then wonders where that thought came from and how long it had been there hiding. Dan remembers Phil has asked him a question and not a pleasant one. 

“We’re not close like yours. They don’t really understand nor bother to try most of the time.” He didn't want to talk in depth about it, too messy, too emotionally raw. Dan cannot quite read the expression on Phil’s face so continues before he can stop himself.

“The only person I really talk with is my grandma, she tries but she doesn’t always understand either. It’s probably mostly my own fault, I’m a fucking mess most of the time.”

Phil shakes his head then, his expression morphing into concern. “You’re not a mess Dan, I’m sorry that they don’t understand. You shouldn’t blame yourself though, things aren’t always easy.”

Dan shrugs. “I’m the one making the mess for myself. Half of my problems wouldn’t be problems if I wasn’t such a fuck up,” He bites his lip. He’s talking too much, being annoying. “Sorry, I- you don’t need to listen to me complaining.”

“But I want to listen Dan. I do.” The sincerity in Phil’s voice makes the breath catch in Dan’s throat. He bites down on his lip, making it bleed a little. It’s a nervous habit he has picked up, it’s been so bad this week that he has chewed a hole into it.

“I know I need to practice. I need to practice a lot and learn so many pieces for class, but I just can’t do it.”

“Is it too difficult, can you not get help with it?” Phil asks. They’re all logical questions, the problem was Dan’s issue wasn’t logical at all.

“No-one can help if I don’t do anything at all. I haven’t gone to half of the practical classes so far.”

It’s Phil’s turn to look worried now. “Why don’t you want to play? I thought it was something you loved?”

Dan sighs, pulling at a fraying seam on his jumper. “I don’t know it’s not- “ 

This was so hard to explain, he wasn’t used to having to put into words his thoughts. He was so used to brushing off questions like this or avoiding them altogether. There was something about Phil that made him want to try to talk about it, to be honest he just didn’t know how to do that. Phil waits patiently seeming to understand that Dan needed a few minutes to think about his answer.

“I want to choose to play, I don’t want to play just because I can or because I am expected to.”

Confusion maps Phil’s face. “I don’t understand?”

Dan sighs again, this is usually how it goes. He tries to explain some of his thoughts and it leaves people confused and feeling awkward. He wishes he could be better at communicating or that his brain wasn’t such a mess all the time.

“It’s like, I want it to be my choice. I want to play when it feels right. I want to play what I want, when I want to. I want to decide myself. What’s the point of living a life where you don’t get to choose?”  Dan sighs. He knows it’s stupid and maybe even childish but it’s what he feels. He doesn’t elaborate that it goes deeper than that, his insecurities about playing are so inbuilt into his bones he fears it will never go away. He hopes that maybe one day he will be able to tell Phil about his stupidly high expectations he sets for himself and his self-destructive tendencies. But not tonight, he feels to tired and is worried that he has said too much already.

“I know what you mean.” Phil replies sounding a little sad. “But sometimes there just isn’t a choice, you have to try and make the best of it.” 

Dan shakes his head with a small smile. “You sound like such an adult Phil, that’s something a teacher would say.” 

“Don’t!” Phil whines covering his face. “It’s not my fault I’ve been made to be practical!”

“I think we always have a choice, even if it isn’t an easy or nice one. I just don’t want to live my life not being able to choose stuff.” It’s as simple as Dan can make it from the many thoughts going around in his head.

“But you did choose to come here though and to go to uni?” Phil asks cautiously.

Dan can tell Phil is doing his best to understand and it surprises him, in a good way. Dan was beginning to think that Phil was full of surprises- he likes that. the more time they spend together, the more Dan realises that there are many things he likes about Phil.

“I did, in the end. I very nearly didn’t’. I went around in circles and had many three am existential crises, I don't think I slept the night before I came here.”

Phil doesn’t ask why, perhaps he already understands. Instead the look he casts over to Dan is quizzical. “Are you glad you did move, are you happy that you are here right now?” 

He thinks for a moment; their eyes don’t leave each other’s. Dan smiles lightly. “I am.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading,
> 
> you can find me on [tumblr](http://lesthowells.tumblr.com/)


	3. chapter three

As September tumbles into October, the daylight hours get shorter and the leaves on the trees begin to turn yellow-orange and fall to the ground. It’s nice to walk through the university campus, or in the park, autumn is Dan’s favourite time of year. Sometimes he will walk the long way around campus to make the most of it. Sometimes it made being there okay but that feeling was rare and fleeting.

One Sunday afternoon, Dan is desperate to get out the house to get away from his thoughts and the ever-mounting pressure of university responsibilities. As much as he liked being in doors, sometimes it got too much. The restless energy building up until it feels as if he could hit the ceiling. He texts Phil, despite only being two rooms away. They had found they needed to be in separate rooms to write essays and do the work for their class. They had tried to be in the same room, to work on things together but inevitably every time they would get distracted and nothing got done. Dan found it easy to get distracted around Phil, he didn’t even have to try it just happened. He wasn’t sure what that meant, if it meant anything at all. What he did know, could allow himself to admit was that he had never met anyone like Phil before. Dan cannot think of anyone he has met that he can easily talk to, for hours it seemed about everything and nothing.

Phil replies to his text instantly and Dan smiles A few moments later Phil appears at the doorway, walking into the room and flopping down on Dan’s bed.

“Not going well either?” Dan asks, knowing that Phil had started the mammoth task of writing his Master’s dissertation and not envying him one bit.

Phil groans. “My head hurts. I don’t want to it any more. I keep reading the same paragraph over and over, but I still cannot process any of it well enough to write about it.”

“You should take a break.” Dan replies, hoping that Phil will pick up on the tone in his voice without him having to say outright that he desperately wants to get out and do something else. Phil sits up on the bed, leaning back against the pillows and meets Dan’s eyes.

“Do you want to get out of here for a bit, we can go for a walk or something?” Phil suggests, leaving Dan wondering yet again now it was possible that he seemed to understand what Dan was thinking before he said anything.

He nods. “I’d really like that actually.”

Phil tells Kath that they are taking a break by going for a walk, she asks him where they are planning on going, curious rather than accusatory. Phil says he doesn’t know and she suggests that he show Dan the abandoned hospital.

Dan has to ask as soon as they leave the house. An abandoned hospital doesn’t seem like the nicest place to walk but he does not argue. Phil tells him about it whilst they walk, it had been closed down for years and was now apparently haunted. Dan doesn’t know why Phil seemed to have an inclination to places that were creepy. Phil tells him he saw A Nightmare on Elm Street when he was a child against his parents’ wishes and hasn’t been the same since.

It’s a nice afternoon despite the decrease in temperature, the skies are clear and blue above them. Dan kicks the fallen leaves on the path in front as he walks, appreciating the rustling sound as the lift and scatter.

The hospital is intimidating but in a cool way. Phil has been here several times before, so Dan follows his lead while they explore.

“Don’t tell my mum that we actually went inside, she thinks I’m just showing you where it is.” Phil says as they start climbing up a wide staircase, there is scattered debris everywhere and Dan is very conscious of every step he takes.

Dan is finding it hard to believe that anyone would want to visit this place on the regular. The reach the top of the staircase and turn the corner, light pours in through the windows, but the glass has long since been broken.

“How often have you come here before?” Dan asks, a sudden desire to want to know about Phil’s childhood or rather anything about his life that he doesn’t already know. Phil seemed to have endless stories and titbits of information, Dan loved hearing about them all even if it did leave him feeling the tiniest bit jealous.

“My brother and I used to come here quite a bit, and I’ve taken friends here before.” Phil tugs on the sleeve of Dan’s jacket and turns left into a new corridor. The view’s out across the countryside are more from visible, if you ignored the setting it would be beautiful. Dan is quite thankful they’re here in during the day, at night he suspects he’d be a lot less relaxed.

“You could film a horror film here, it’s a prime location.” Dan says not entirely without earnest, it fitted the criteria for being somewhere that could easily show up in his nightmares.

Phil laughs in agreement. “I think it might have been used for a film setting before, probably only a b movie though.”

“You should make a video about it. For your channel.” Dan suggests, being totally serious this time.

“I could I guess.” There’s uncertainty in Phil’s voice, not for the first time when talking about his videos. “Would it be interesting though, what would I do?”

Dan shrugs, feeling a bit dumb for suggesting it. “Just talk about your experiences here, your stories and sketches are fun, people will be interested anyway.”

Phil smiles softly, looking pleased. “You think?”

Dan turns his gaze, he wants Phil to know he’s being genuine because he really means it. “Yes. All your videos are amazing, this one won’t be any less.”

“Well I am called AmazingPhil.” He replies with a grin that makes Dan’s stomach flip over.

“Oh my god. Shut up.” But he’s laughing, they both are. The sound echoing around the derelict walls of the hospital, it’s almost enough to bring it back to life.

 

They spend the rest of the day watching films, lying on the floor in Phil’s bedroom on top of several blankets and pillows until the hour creeps past one am. They had taken to doing that a lot recently, after hours of playing games and talking- Dan didn’t want to go back to the silence of his own room. It was like the sleepovers he sometimes had as a child except a thousand times better.  This time he was in the company of someone he really liked, who he hopes really likes him too.

They had a routine now of sorts. On the days they were both at university, they would wait for each other’s classes to finish. Sometimes they go into town and to Afleck’s Palace but most of the time they were happy to go back to the house to play games, watch TV and talk. Dan quickly realises that he does not know what he would do without Phil in his life each day. When he thinks back to his old life in Wokingham he realises how stuck he had been, all the loneliness he had felt for years but without knowing it.

It’s a bright spark he tried to latch onto in the surrounding darkness. The first semester was going terribly there was no denying it, he dreaded going to each class or even thinking about them. Dan knew that the more he procrastinated, avoided classes and practising, the bigger and deeper hole he was digging for himself. He doesn’t mention it to Phil, but he doesn’t have to because Phil shows understanding without Dan having to say anything.

On the days where he felt particularly low, the stress and pressure they would stay up even later than normal. Phil had been astounded when Dan had told him that he had never seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer- it was Phil’s favourite show and insisted that Dan had to watch it. They got through the first season in a week and already started the second. He was enjoying it but didn’t know how much of that was down to Phil.Aside from the weekends, the only really good days he has October drags on. Everything stays mostly the same until one Friday afternoon on the bus home, something shifts the balance.

Dan’s last class had finished at one pm, Phil had travelled from the other side of town from his teaching training to meet him. This was another routine of theirs now, each Friday Phil would come and meet Dan and they would go into town to get Starbucks. Phil always left feeling a little down and by Friday, Dan was so tired and drained-they both longed for the weekend. Their Friday Starbucks tradition was just a little thing they did because it made them happy. The truth was that Dan realised that it didn’t matter what they did, Dan was happy to spend time together, he was happiest spending time with Phil. They were on the bus back to the house, it was mostly empty unsurprisingly, most people wanting to travel into town at this time of evening. Dan’s thoughts had been far away for most of the journey so far. He was grateful for the mid semester break that they now had; a whole week free of classes was blissful. It was a double-edged sword, he had managed to somehow submit his first few essays in on time but now had to rehearse for his first real practical assessment. His nerves were already biting at him, but he forced them away when he felt Phil’s elbow nudge his own, Dan cannot tell whether it was intentional or not, but he turns his head anyway.

“Hey.” His voice flatter than normal, he wonders if Phil will notice.

“Hey. You okay?” Phil asks, he always does. Even when Dan doesn’t feel like answering, his grateful to be asked.

He nods, he wasn’t really but didn’t want to talk about it. “I’m okay. Are you?”

Phil smiles. “I’m good. We’ve got a week off. No school!”

Dan has to giggle then because the silly voice and the cheering gesture Phil does makes him.

“And I got some news this morning that made it even better.” Phil continues, keeping up with the nonchalance. 

Dan’s curiosity spikes, he cannot help it. “Oh really. What is it?”

“My parents are going to be away for a couple of days next week, so we will have the house to ourselves.” Phil replies, his voice quieter but not quite a whisper and Dan cannot possibly miss the suggestive tone.

The thought of being alone and knowing they could do whatever they wanted made him feel giddy, so much that he cannot disguise his smile. He has to remind himself to not expect it to mean anything, he had no reason to expect anything to happen, but his stupid brain sent the pang of hopefulness through him anyway. Dan didn’t want Phil to think he was being weird or that he was a stupid teenager with a crush-even if that is exactly that he was.

“Oh?” Dan tries his best to sound as nonchalant as Phil, he thinks he fails.

Phil nods, the intensity in his eyes grows a little. “I was thinking we could film the video for my channel if you want. The idea you had to film at the hospital?”

Dan remembers. It had been fun the last time and Dan had been quietly hoping that Phil would film again soon. He had also hoped Phil would ask him to help too but that was something he wasn’t going to readily admit.

Dan does smile a little though, unable not to. “I’d like that yeah.”

Despite everything, Dan cannot help but wonder why him though. Phil had other friends and Dan questioned what made Phil want to be around him. There are a few moments of silence between them, Dan sort of hates that he has to ask. He blames the exhaustion on making the same old doubts come back and trouble him again.

“Are you not going to throw a wild party with loads of people and alcohol and shit, isn’t that what people do when their parents are gone?” he knows Phil isn’t like that, one month of knowing each other and Dan already feels as if he’s known Phil for a lot longer. It’s a stupid question and he doesn’t know where this sudden spike in insecurity has come from.

Phil doesn’t smile but his eyes glisten, like he can read Dan’s thoughts- sometimes Dan thinks he really can. “I don’t want to do any of that. I’d rather spend time with you.”

Dan feels his breath hitch. He doesn’t know how to reply; the unabashed sincerity of Phil’s words dances around in his head. Phil truly wanted to spend time with him? All of Dan’s worries and insecurities that he was somehow being an annoyance and a burden finally seemed to lessen. Dan still didn’t understand why but he found he didn’t care because he wanted to spend time with Phil too.

 

He sleeps in late on Saturday and he doesn’t feel bad about if for once. It helps to eradicate some of the haze in his brain. He calls his grandma to tell her he had finished his essays on time, knowing that she will want to know and is grateful for her praise. However, the topic of conversation quickly changes and suddenly he finds himself answering an onslaught of questions.

“Have you made any friends yet?” Her tone isn’t accusing yet he feels as though he is being judged already.

Dan tells her about Phil, hoping that she will be pleased and leave the conversation at that. Only one of those things happen, she is pleased but does not seem satisfied with his answer.

“What about in your classes, have you joined any clubs or networks?” Her questioning is calm, almost as if she already knows what the answer is going to be.

Dan groans in response. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate her concern but there were times when he really felt like she didn’t know him at all.

He hears her sigh disapprovingly down the other end of the phone. “Daniel. You’ve got to stop isolating yourself it’s not healthy. You need to go out and talk to people, branch out a little. I know it’s out of your comfort zone but staying indoors locked away on your computer or whatever isn’t healthy. You need to make friends and socialise.”

“I have made a friend Gran, and I’d rather spend my time with him than anyone else at my uni.” Dan replies a little more forcefully than he intended but his exasperation gets the better of him.

There’s a moments silence in which Dan feels guilty for his abrupt manner, he knows at her heart she wants what’s best for him and he is grateful for that. it wasn’t her fault that he is so inept at being a normal human.

Dan is about to apologise when she speaks again, voice softer. “He’s a good friend to you, this Phil?”

He smiles to himself, forgetting that she cannot see him. “Yeah. He is.”

There is two second pause before. “And you’ve been keeping up practising, haven’t you?”

“Yes.” Dan has to lie, he feels bad but the prospect of disappointing her further and getting another lecture is too much for today. He wonders if she even believes him anyway if she doesn’t she refrains from saying so.

He says goodbye. Promising to call again and that, yes, he would practice and get his work done. Dan wishes it were as simple in reality as it was to say, he looks over at the keyboard and wishes he could feel something. His feet carry him over to the desk, but he doesn’t sit down, instead just stares at the keys. There were moments like these were he felt so wrong, so out of place. He feels like a fake, it twists and constricts inside his chest and grows; like a second skin. Dan’s eyes start to sting before he realises he hasn’t been blinking, it doesn’t hurt but he feels empty. He misses the feeling of wanting to play, of needing to. What’s worse is that he thinks there is only one scenario that could intervene, and he doesn’t know if it is even likely. Dan won’t allow himself to get his hopes up, it would do no good.

 

Sunday, the day before Kath and Nigel are leave for the week, is a family affair. Dan feels slightly worried initially that he will be intruding or that it will be awkward for him to be there, but Kath quickly does her upmost to eradicate those thoughts from his mind. Phil’s older brother Martyn and his girlfriend Cornelia come around for dinner. The six of them at the dinner table was strange and disorientating at first, the buzz of chatter and laughter was a lot more than normal. The Lester’s family dynamic was so different to what Dan was used to in with his own. He has a nice evening and not for the first time Dan is so thankful for the kindness of the Lester family who have grown so important to him within the past month and a half. Up to this now he had been quietly curious to find out what Phil’s brother was like, after hearing so much about him from Phil and Kath. Dan found that he was very similar to Phil, maybe more outgoing, less reserved but possessed the same wit and vivaciousness.

Phil’s parents leave mid-day on Monday. Once the door shuts behind them the quiet and emptiness of the house is disconcerting. Dan looks over to Phil, there gazes locking for a moment before they both break into nervous giggles.

“The house feels strange. Or is it just me?” Phil asks.

“It’s not just you. It feels really weird, like more so than normal.” Dan replies, feeling a slight shiver.

He hated being a sceptic yet highly sensitive person, the slightest flicker or faint noise was enough to set his imagination rioting.  They pass the hours playing Bubble Bobble again, they get further this time, to level 65 before they run out of lives. Their conversation drifts from topic to topic. When Phil loses this last life on level 70 he groans loudly and chucks the controller onto the floor, throwing himself length ways against the sofa. Dan can’t help but smile at his mini tantrum. But then something in the air shifts, Phil turns his head to look up at Dan. They share a glance and Dan feels his heart beat increase, Phil seems to silently ask. Dan doesn’t know if he’s imagining it or not but takes the risk and lies down on his side next to Phil to that they face each other.

They share the silence for several moments, it doesn’t feel weird or tense. Dan is surprised by how calm he is, how natural this feels.

“Hi.” Phil breaks the quiet and stillness around them with a whisper.

“Hi.” They share another smile.

“What are you thinking about?” Dan asks after a few seconds. He wants to find a way into Phil’s mind, to surround himself with where his thoughts live and thrive.

Phil doesn’t answer straight away, his eyes flicker across Dan’s features and then away across the room. “I dunno. I’m thinking about a lot of things.”

Dan shifts a little closer, resting his head on his palm and balancing on his elbow. “Tell me.”

Phil eyes gradually drift back and focus on Dan’s. It’s hard to blink, to look anywhere else other than into the blue irises so close to his own.

“I’m thinking about my videos, my channel. How I was about to give it up before you arrived because I lost connection with it. But you came and changed that, you convinced me to try again and now I have so many ideas and plans. And it all because of you.”

Dan forgets how to breathe for a few seconds, his brain freezes. He wasn’t expecting that, it’s not just Phil’s words that send the rush of blood to his head but the sincerity that encompasses them. He isn’t quite sure how to respond, what to say to something that he wasn’t expecting. He does not feel his natural tendencies to brush off statements that incite feelings of awkwardness or comments of benediction. Dan does not understand what he has done that was so convincing, but the weight of Phil’s words does something to his heart.

“I’m glad Phil. If it makes you happy then it’s worthwhile but it makes other people happy too which is so good too.”

Phil smiles and Dan shifts slightly, bending his elbow and laying his head on his arm.

“You could start a channel and make videos, for your piano stuff. Have you ever thought about it?” Phil asks, they’re lying so close to each other now that it’s all Dan can think about.

He stares at Phil’s features, noticing the flecks of green in the blue of his eyes and long lashes. He stares at the way Phil’s fringe falls across his forehead, his hair is dark and shiny as ever and Dan longs to run his fingers through it. He stares at the smooth line of Phil’s nose and the fullness of his lips. Dan cannot pretend any longer to himself, Phil is beautiful. Dan wonders how long he’s secretly thought that if he knew right away at the beginning but just didn’t realise. Now that he has he does not know how he can think of anything else. It’s nice thought but it scares him, it scares him how overwhelming it feels to acknowledge it.

Dan drags his brain to focus on Phil’s question. He had thought about it actually, once or twice but never made any active attempts to make one. He had wondered, maybe would it be different to having to play on demand, in front of people. But then the same insecurities bubbled up again and he had not considered the idea since. There was an underlying, relentless feeling of pointlessness that no matter what he did- it was never going to be enough, so why try?

“I did, at one point but I don’t think I could.” Dan replies, looking away from Phil’s gaze.

“Why not?” The question is gentle but all Dan can do is shrug in reply, he feels useless and stupid for his inability to explain these things.

“We could make a video together, if you enjoy it then you can maybe think about doing some of your own?” Phil asks.

“What would we do?” Dan cannot help but feel self-conscious. “I’m so awkward and I can’t do anything. Besides. your viewers don’t even know me.”

“That doesn’t matter, I’ve got other friends in my videos before and it hasn’t been a problem. It will be fun?” the edge of hopefulness in Phil’s voice sends a pang through Dan’s chest but he shakes his head.

This impossibility of everything is suddenly overwhelming, his brain swoops one eighty. He looks at Phil; Phil who is wonderful, funny and talented. Phil who makes him smile and laugh, who makes his days brighter and better without even knowing it. Phil who is older, smarter and a thousand times more interesting than he is. He hates this feeling, the ugliness of questioning why. The insecurity that snakes its way around his throat and chokes him. Dan has lost count of the times already that Phil has had to stamp out his self-doubts, to convince Dan the opposite of what it was saying to him. What made it worse was that Phil didn’t know half of how bad it could get, there was so much Dan kept locked away- he hopes it will never be something Phil has to see. 

“Still I don’t understand why you want to spend time with me, I’m literally nothing special Phil. I cannot even do something I know I love without fucking up and ruining my chances at everything.” Dan swallows the lump in his throat quickly, he regrets his words already. They’re too blunt, too honest and they shatter the warm atmosphere around them.

Phil shakes his head so sharply Dan wonders how he doesn’t hear it click. Phil leans closer, Dan feels their shoulders brush together and his breathing stills.

“You are special Dan. I love spending time with you more than anything else, do you want to know why?”

Dan feels his heartbeat speed up, he nods slowly.

Phil leans close so that their noses are almost touching, Dan stares into the blue eyes that have become so familiar, even more than his own.

When Phil replies his voice is the quietest it has ever been. “Because you make me happy, because everyone else is boring and you’re different.”

 

They fall asleep downstairs in the front room-unintentionally, under the blanket and pillow cave they had made, mid-way through their Buffy marathon. It’s already past eleven am when they wake up the following morning but Phil insists it’s not too late for breakfast.

“We can just have an extended breakfast slash lunch.” He says whilst pouring cereal into the big dinner bowels instead of the ones they usually use at breakfast. Phil’s hair is messy, his glasses balanced on his nose. Dan had been surprised to find out that he wore them. Dan couldn’t explain it but there was a comfort in seeing Phil like this, being here in the kitchen just the two of them. It felt right, like he was at home.

“Lunch is like three hours away Phil.” Dan replies, not really minding. He wasn’t sure where this warm feeling of contentment had come from that was suddenly so strong, but he didn’t question it.

They heat waffles under the grill, pour chocolate sauce over them and make mugs of coffee-returning to the front room with their supplies.

“Three-hour breakfasts should be made acceptable.” Phil says once they’ve finished eating and two more episodes had been watched. There is a smudge of chocolate syrup on his cheek and Dan has to resist the urge to reach over and remove it.

Phil’s eyes are sunny when they meet his. “Do you want to film some of the video today?”

A part of Dan wants to stay here, in the comfort of the house and this moment that feels precious. But he knows Phil wants to film something and Dan is happy to do whatever Phil wants to do. He can admit that to himself now too.

He nods. “Sure. At the hospital?”

Phil smiles, eyes alight. “It’s quite Halloween appropriate isn’t it?”

“If by Halloween appropriate you mean creepy as hell then yes. But then again, you could just film in the house. If anything, it’s scarier here.” Dan replies but he means to jest. He would be lying if he said that he no longer felt the creepiness of the house.

“We could do that too, start a series or something. Paranormal happenings inside AmazingPhil’s family home.” Phil gestures with pretend drama, Dan laughs but his brain picks up on the ‘we’ and he feels his stomach flip.

They get dressed and head out eventually, it takes a while especially as Phil insists they watch one more episode because ‘It’s the best one in this season.’

The walk up to the hospital feels different than the last time, it’s a cooler day, the clouds hanging low. More than that, the atmosphere between them is so changed and had been since last night. They film for several hours and by the end they have amounted a lot of footage, probably more than could ever be used.. Dan gave in and let himself be a part of some of it after Phil had reassured him again that it would be okay. He’s not sure how he feels about it, if he’ll be okay with it being uploaded onto the internet but for now, he doesn’t allow himself to worry about it.

It’s late afternoon when they decide to make their way home and the weather has changed dramatically for the worst. Droplets of rain starting to fall as they climb back over the fence out of the hospital grounds. They share a look of understanding and begin to speed walk back towards the house, hoping to make it back in time before the onslaught of the storm.

They’re not quick enough. It starts to rain heavier, the clouds are so grey and low its almost dark. Thunder crashes above them, the sound rippling through the air and making Dan jump in surprise. They reach the corner of the road and break into a run, Phil reaches out a hand and Dan does not hesitate, clasping their palms together. Phil’s fingers are freezing in his own, but they manage to keep in sync. They let go immediately once they reach the house, he doesn’t have time to feel awkward or worry because all Dan wants is to get inside.

It takes several moments for Phil to unlock the door, fumbling with the key. Dan has never been more grateful to be back indoors. Even once the door is shut behind them, the rain hammering against it and howling of the wind is still audible.

They stand in the hallway, looking at one another, breathing heavily. Dan laughs because he does not know what else to do, they are both drenched. There’s water dripping from Phil’s hair, down his face and off his nose. Dan knows he probably looks equally ridiculous, if not more so.

“Oh my god. That’s crazy.” Dan breathes, his heart beat is racing from adrenaline and the unexpected exercise.   

 Phil laughs too, pulling his arms out of his sodden coat. “I need to get changed I’m freezing.”

At that moment Dan shivers, realising that he is too. They run upstairs, Phil almost tripping up the steps which makes Dan laugh again. They part to go into their own rooms, he changes out of his wet clothes-annoyed that he did not own more jumpers or hoodies. He hadn’t realised how cold he was until just now. The chill of the air hits is damp skin and clings like claws digging in. His hair is so wet its sticking to his forehead, droplets of water falling from odd strands, but he knows as soon as it starts to dry it will go into its usual mess of curls that Dan hated. He remembers that Phil is yet to see him with fully curly hair and the thought sends a wave of anxiety through him, knotting in is stomach. There was nothing he could do and as vain as it sounded, he hated how his curly made him look. Dan shakes the thoughts out of his head. He didn’t’ want to be upset, he had the three days ahead of being alone with Phil- that was all that mattered right now.

Phil is in the kitchen when Dan goes back down stairs, the kettle is boiling. He had changed into an old looking blue knitted jumper and taken his contacts out. There is something so familiar and homely about the sight of him standing in the kitchen, he wants to capture this image just for his own mind.  He notices Dan is shivering immediately and runs upstairs, returning with a bright green hoodie.

“You can wear this. It’s clean don’t worry.” Phil tells him with a giggle.

Dan doesn’t care that its green, a colour he would never normally wear or that it says University of York on the front. It belongs to Phil and that alone makes his stomach flutter slightly. He pulls the hoodie over his head and immediately Dan’s brain latches onto the realisation that it smells like Phil. The material is soft, and Dan feels cosy, even more so that they seem to be the same size in clothes. It makes him feel happier, to know that they were even more alike. He immediately kicks himself for being stupid, he shouldn’t let himself think like that-no matter how much he’d like to.

They drink the tea Phil had made to warm them up, then make popcorn and retreat into the front room. They continue their Buffy marathon, getting through eight episodes, the bowl of popcorn wedged beside them. Every time their hands touched accidentally when reaching into the bowel made Dan’s chest hitch. It was stupid and cheesy, but he couldn’t stop the fluttering of feelings. Phil turns to him after the tenth episode and his face breaks out into a smile.

“Your hair has gone so curly.” Phil says, his voice is full of endearment but instinctively Dan reaches a hand up to his head and tries to flatten his hair, knowing full well it won’t make any difference but feeling the embarrassment of it nonetheless. He hated his hair’s natural tendency to curl, it looked ridiculous. He’d been straightening it every morning for as long as he can remember. It’s only now Dan realises that Phil has never seen him look otherwise and he curses the rain.

“Yeah it does that. I hate it so much.” He replies, now so self-conscious that he cannot stop trying to smooth it against his scalp.

“Don’t. it looks cute.” Phil replies and Dan freezes for a moment, there is no teasing in Phil’s voice- only sincerity. He feels the prickling of heat in his cheeks, he didn’t understand how just one word could evoke such a reaction.

“It makes me look like a hobbit.” Dan says, partly to distract from how flustered he knew he felt- paranoid that it was horribly obvious.

If Phil is aware he doesn’t show it, he smiles a little wider, he pulls his gaze gently down from Dan’s hair to his eyes. “A cute hobbit though.”

Dan didn’t know what to do with comments like these, what to do with how they made his stomach flutter and his chest lighter. He didn’t know how to react or what to say or whether they meant anything enough to think about.

There was another crash of thunder, so loud this time that it the sound rang in his ears. Then the lights went out, plunging them into darkness. Dan swore, and Phil yelped. After a few seconds, Dan’s eyes adjusted somewhat to the darkness enough that he could make out Phil beside him.

 “What the hell was that?” Dan whispers, his heart racing inside his ribcage.

“I don’t know.” Phil sounds just as shaken as Dan feels, he senses Phil stand up from the sofa.

Dan blinks a few times, gradually more of his vision returning, he watches Phil carefully cross the room towards the door.

“I think the power is out.” Phil says, flicking the light switch on and off several times- nothing happens, they remain clouded in darkness.

Dan feels the clench of fear in his chest.

“Are you okay?” Phil asks, his voice expressing concern, it's dark enough that he can only see the silhouette of Phil's profile.

Dan feels embarrassed, and horribly childish but he desperately needs some comfort right now. “Yeah, I just, don’t like the dark.”

There’s a pause before Phil replies. “Oh. Seriously?”

Dan nods, too on edge to try and play it off lightly. Another clap of thunder echo’s from outside and suddenly he has the urge to cry. It wasn’t even the storm or the fact he was sitting in darkness but everything else too. Being in the dark more often than not set off Dan’s over active imagination and on top of that, it made all the other thoughts he kept buried in the back of his mind active again.

“There’s a torch somewhere, I’ll be right back.” And Phil leaves the room, the urge Dan has to cry gets harder. He wants to call out for Phil not to leave him alone but feels too stupid, like a child and bites down on his lip instead.

The minutes pass and they feel so much longer than they actually are. Dan feels like hours should have passed already, he wants to get up from the sofa and find Phil- the dark and the sounds of the still raging storm outside combine and twist to heighten his fear.

There’s another crash, this time from down the hallway quickly preceded by a yelp and Dan jumps up immediately.

“Phil?” he can barely see anything in the hall and he doesn’t know what room Phil has gone to.

“I’m okay!” Phil’s voice calls back, higher pitched than normal.

A few seconds later a beam of light illuminates the hall, Phil appearing from the kitchen, torch in hand- the source of the sudden brightness.

“Are you okay?” Dan asks. His voice croaks a little and he wonders if his heart rate will ever return to normal.

Phil’s voice sounds more normal again when he calls back. “Yeah, I dropped the torch on my foot!”

They light all the candles they can find and place them all on the coffee table in the front room. They flicker out of time and Dan finds watching them a little mesmerising, however it magnifies the eeriness of the atmosphere in the house. The cliché of this scenario doesn’t escape Dan, a typical movie trope playing out as his life.

“This like we’re trying to host a séance Phil, it’s ridiculous.” Dan voices once all the candles are lit, the room was illuminated but he felt as nervous as ever.

“We could try and summon some ghosts?” Phil asks with a smile, Dan knows he’s joking but a shiver still runs down his spine. Not for the first time he hates how effected he is by things like this.

Dan groans, unwilling to admit that this was legitimately scaring him. “This is the worst.”

Phil seems to understand anyway. “It’ll be okay, it happened before. The power will come back eventually, we just have to wait it out.”

“And until then?” Dan questions, watching the flickering of the flame dances against the shadows on Phil’s face.

“We’ll have to talk to each other I guess.” Phil replies with pretend forlornness.

Dan grins. “I think I’d rather summon some ghosts after all.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading,
> 
> you can find me on [tumblr](http://lesthowells.tumblr.com/)


	4. chapter four

They fall asleep a few hours later, the rest of the evening had been spent exchanging stories between them. Dan had let Phil tell more than he did, not just through his desire to hear him talk although that was part of it. Dan felt that he really didn’t have anything interesting to share, not in the way Phil did.

Their late morning drifts into afternoon. They pass the time by watching Buffy and eating bowls of cry cereal- they had run out of milk. They finish the second season, their conversation gradually drifting. For several minutes they do nothing but enjoy the silence, their gazes on each other unwavering. It’s nice like this sometimes, the quietness and contentness.  

Dan isn’t surprised at the recognition of the feeling when he notices, it has been there half dormant for days. He doesn’t know why now but he doesn’t question it. Phil seems to understand that he is about to speak because the focus stare intensifies slightly. Dan sits forward and Phil mimics him, their undivided attention focused on each other. He takes a deep breath because despite knowing, this was still a lot, it meant a lot-even if Dan is the only one who understood it. He takes an intake of air, because it was going to take a lot and he was nervous.

"I want to play you something.” Dan says quietly, he doesn’t wait for Phil’s response, but he doesn’t have to because Phil follows him to the piano anyway. They sit together on the stool, so close that their elbows and thighs are touching. Dan doesn’t know why that is enough to make his breath hitch and make the tips of his fingers tingle, but it does. Dan looks at Phil one more time, he has never seen him look so intently focused on anything, for several seconds he can do nothing but stare back into his eyes.

Phil smiles a little and Dan nods, a small affirmation and it’s enough. He turns back around slowly, and places is fingers against the piano keys. Strangely he does not feel nervous anymore if anything he has never felt a deeper desire to play than he does now. The first few notes are the hardest to get through but once he does it and the rest flow from his fingertips easily- a muscle memory. After the first three bars he flicks his gaze to Phil, a faraway look in his eyes. It takes him a few seconds to realise that Dan is looking at him but when he does the smile that spreads across his face is so blinding Dan almost stops playing.

“Final Fantasy Seven?” He whispers, his gaze drifts to Dan’s fingers. Dan thought Phil would recognise it, but it doesn’t stop the giddy feeling rushing over him. He does not reply but cannot stop the smile from spreading across his face. Dan plays out the rest of the song before immediately going into the next. This time, he does feel nervous, this time it feels bigger, important-that there is more at stake. Because there was, the intention was different he wants it to be different. Dan can sense Phil’s eyes focused on him but this time he does not look over, he doesn’t think he can. His heart is beating faster than it was a moment ago and he feels like his hands are shaking but somehow he manages to keep playing. He thinks about stopping, about running away and locking himself in his room. He also thinks about saying something, the thoughts that he did have no longer in his heart but out in the real world.

The touch of Phil’s fingers against his own makes him freeze, the sudden quietness of the room is jarring in comparison. He doesn’t know what to do. He watches as Phil traces his fingers over his knuckles so slowly, and with gentleness that makes his chest ache. Dan wants to turn his hand over, to feel the touch of Phil’s hand within his own. He doesn’t realise he’s leaning closer until his shoulder is pressing against Phil’s, he thinks Phil will pull away but he doesn’t. Dan swallows, his throat feels dry and he thinks for sure that his heart is hammering so loud it must be audible. Slowly, because he does not think he could move fast if he tried, Dan lifts his hand away from the piano keys and turns his palm out, he knows he is shaking. Phil lifts his arm up; their hands slip into each other’s, their fingers curl together. Phil’s palm is cool against his own, both their eyes are locked on to their hands.

Dan can hear the sound of his and Phil’s breathing, amplified in the quiet and the stillness of the room around them. It doesn’t feel quite like real life, he wonders if this is actually happening and he hasn’t fallen into a dream. Dan thinks of all the many things he could say but doesn’t want to. He thinks of how he could turn his head more, lean into Phil’s chest. He doesn’t. he watches Phil place their palms together, the touch of their fingertips sending tiny sparks up Dan’s arm. Dan lifts his eyes to Phil’s; his gaze is still on their hands focused and intense. They look darker than normal and he cannot read the expression on his face, He feels like everything is on time lapse, every second and every moment in slow motion. Dan wonders what would happen if he were to turn his head more, lean in as close as he would dare, press his lips against Phil’s.

An earth shuddering sound rips through the house, Dan’s heart leaps out of his chest, he doesn’t know who breaks apart first his brain is three seconds behind his body. The noise repeats itself and its only now that Dan realises its source. Someone is knocking at the front door like they wanted to break it down. The adrenaline raging through him makes him feel dizzy, he looks at Phil who looks just as startled as he feels. The atmosphere turned on its head, Dan feels like he has been dropped into the deep end of a swimming pool of icy water.

“I should go see who that is.” Phil whispers, not tearing his eyes eyes away from Dan's own. 

All he can do is nod. He watches Phil disappear out of the room and tries to catch his breath. The sudden spike in his heart rate had thrown everything out of balance, he feels dazed as if being woken from a dream. It’s not a good feeling and now that the adrenaline is leaving he almost wants to cry.

Phil returns less than a minute later, there is something reassuring in the way he does not look any different.

“A man just tried to get me to convince me to get a loft conversion. Imagine if I had said yes, welcome home mum and dad- by the way, we have a loft now.”

 Dan laughs but even he knows it sounds strained. He wants to lie down, to sleep for a hundred years just to get away from his thoughts, to forgot what had just happened. He knew he needed to, he couldn’t let his brain fixate on it. For the rest of the day the weird tension remains clouding the atmosphere, Phil does not seem to pick up on it, if he has then he’s does a good job at pretending it isn’t there. Dan knows he needs to pretend too, so he does. He forces all thought of it out of his head, he’s good at that at least. They finish season three of Buffy and play Mario until one am.

 

He doesn’t sleep well. From inside his room Dan is painfully aware of every creek, crack and whistle that moves through the house, the noise magnifies a hundred time in his head. But loader than that, were his own thoughts. He thinks of Phil’s hands in his own, how their fingers seemed to fit together so perfectly, of the intensity in Phil’s eyes enough that it could scorch. Dan lets his mind think of Phil, his dark hair cut so similarly to his own, but he won’t deny it suits Phil so much better. His smile, wide and beautiful, the slight creases at the corner of his mouth. Dan can hear the lightness of Phil’s laugh, the slightly low pitch of his voice tinged with his northern accent, Dan could listen to Phil talk for hours. He thinks of Phil and his chest aches. Did today mean anything, did any of it mean anything or was he clinging blindly, stupidly to something that will never supervene. Dan cannot let himself hope for anything, Phil was the best friend he had never had, he couldn’t risk letting anything ruining that. eventually Dan falls into a restless sleep, dreams of falling and running from something wake him several times.

He sleeps in late, it’s past eleven by the time he stumbles downstairs. Phil is sitting on the sofa dressed in his pyjamas, crossed legged in laptop balanced in his lap, he’s wearing his glasses. The sight of him makes a warmth appear in his chest.

Phil looks up when Dan enters the room, a soft smile appearing on his face. “Good morning Dan.”

“Morning Phil.” Dan is glad is voice sounds normal, he sits down next to Phil on the sofa but keeps a space between them, just in case. He doesn’t want there to be awkwardness, he doesn’t want to be the cause of it.

“Do you want some cereal, I haven’t eaten yet I’ve only just gotten up.” Phil giggles, his eyes brighter than ever even behind the lens of his glasses.

Dan smiles, he cannot stop himself. “Sure.”

Phil returns after a few moments, bowels of cereal for them both, when he sits back down he’s a lot closer to Dan than before. Dan thinks that it might be deliberate move but then quickly dismisses the thought. They continue their Buffy marathon; their elbows knock together as they eat. As much as he tries to focus on the episode, Dan’s mind ultimately drifts elsewhere.

Dan finds it hard to believe that he it had been nearly two months since he moved to Manchester. October was almost over already, it was Halloween tomorrow and Phil’s parents were due home the day after. So far Phil has not made any attempt to talk about yesterday, hasn’t come close to even mentioning it. As they eat their cereal and Buffy plays on in the background Dan cannot shake away the feeling of an odd kind of tension in the atmosphere. It’s not enough to make things uncomfortable but his mind has picked up on it and lingers. He doesn’t want to talk about it, not if Phil didn’t. It wasn’t as if anything to even talk about, nothing had happened- not really. So why did it feel so heavy, why had his brain gone over and over the memory of Phil’s hand in his last night.

Dan tells himself again that it did not mean anything. It was a moment, they shared it and then it was over. There was nothing more to think about, he tells himself not to.

Later in the afternoon, Dan is sat on the floor Phil’s bedroom, watching him edit the footage they shot at the hospital. Phil had said he wanted to get it ready to upload tomorrow, Dan quite likes Halloween despite it being a bit commercialised. He was used to celebrating it with his friends back in Wokingham but didn’t know if Phil would want to do anything. Dan knew he didn’t have to rely on Phil, he could go out and do what he wanted on his own- he just didn’t want that.

“Do you want to do anything tomorrow?” Dan asks, watching how Phil’s brow furrows with concentration whilst staring at the screen.

He looks up at Dan’s question. “We can. Do you want to do anything?”

“There’s this Halloween party that some people from uni are organising.” Dan suggests. He wasn’t fond of parties but this one was being organised by the English and Drama students, a few of whom he knew casually. He doesn’t really know if he wants to go and only suggested it because he hopes Phil will give him a straight yes or no answer. Besides, he thinks that if they go out it could dispel some of the weird tension between them. Dan didn’t know if that was all a result of his imagination, but it was all he could focus on.

“Oh yeah, I remember seeing the posters for that. A few people from my class are going I think. Do you wanna go?”

Dan shrugs. He doesn’t really care if they go or not. On one hand; it could be fun to go a few hours, but he was also perfectly happy if they were to stay indoors watching horror films and eating popcorn all night. He just didn’t want the lingering strange atmosphere to last, maybe if he pretended it wasn’t there, it would go away.

“We could go for a few hours then just come home again?” Phil queries, picking up on Dan’s wavering.

Dan smiles. It was a good compromise but mainly he was happy they had made plans together. “Okay.”

They don’t realise that they do not have anything remotely appropriate to wear until the following afternoon, several hours before they are due to leave.

In a complete half-arsed, last minute they leave the house, running late as usual. Dan had put on an old black jumper he had forgotten he’d brought with him. Phil found the only vaguely dark item of clothing he owned, a black and white plaid shirt. Dan had taken a look at both of their outfits and was dismayed at how tragically boring they were. Phil said then that he had an idea and came back with a maker pen. Somehow Dan knew what to expect before he had done anything but still had to laugh when Phil drew a pair of whiskers and a button nose on their faces.

He looked himself in the mirror and shook his head. “What even are we Phil?”

"We can be anything. There are no rules for Halloween.”

It was too late to do anything else now and honestly, he didn’t really mind that they weren’t dressed up properly. They look odd enough to receive several stares from strangers whilst waiting for and when on the bus into town.

There are a lot more people than Dan had expected. He’s used to seeing the grounds of the campus busy during the week, but this is different.

Dan doesn’t know if it is a conscious decision on either of their own part, but they spend the majority of time side by side. They hadn’t talked about going off and socialising separately, so Dan just hopes that he isn’t being annoying or clinging. After an hour his brain will not let up and he gives in and asks.

“Is there anyone you want to go hang out with or?” he trails off, feeling kind of bad all of a sudden. What were they doing here? Why had he suggested this? He feels like an idiot.

Phil shakes his head. “No. Sorry- do you. I can go away if you want to find some of your friends-

“I don’t want you to go!” Dan shoots back quickly, too quickly really. “I’m sorry. I just thought you might be really bored and not want me hanging around you.”

“Dan.” Phil replies softy, his gaze as warm as a sunny day. “You are not annoying. I don’t care about anyone else here I only want to spend time with you.”

Dan smiles. “So do I.”

Phil shakes his head fondly, he curls his fingers around Dan’s gently. “Why are we even here?”

“I don’t know. I thought it might be something you wanted to do, I thought you might be bored of me.”

Phil’s grip tightens. “Never. I only came because I thought you wanted to.”

Dan laughs a little, feeling ridiculous and annoyed with himself. “We’re idiots. What are we doing?’

“Do you want to get some food then go home?” Phil suggests. 

Dan nods and tries to not let his mind fixate on the word home and how hearing Phil say it made his heart tremor. Was it too soon to associate the house with home, he wasn’t even sure he did- it felt more like Phil was home, for him at least.

It seems that no-one else was at all bothered about eating because they could find no-where on campus that was offering food. The usual cafés were closed and the only places open were obviously the bars and unions; none of which offered anything remotely nutritious, only alcohol. Phil suggests that they go across the road to the chip shop. Dan is so hungry at this point that he doesn’t care where they go so they make their way past the ever-growing crowds of people and out of the campus grounds.

There’s a lot of people about in the town centre as well, it would normally be strange for a Monday night if it wasn’t Halloween. There are groups of people gathered at street corners outside bars and on the steps up to the union. Phil buys them both chips and they sit on a bench the small park area just outside the campus, away from the noise and crowds. They eat most in silence, Dan is grateful for the food despite it being some of the worst chips he’s had in a long time, he’s kind of too hungry to care.

“These are disgusting, why do they taste so good?” Phil asks, whilst eating.

“Dunno, maybe they’ve laced it with drugs.” Dan replies, wincing slightly as he bit into a chip that was piping hot. The more he ate the worse they began to taste but he couldn’t stop.

It’s almost midnight when they make it back to the house. They end up walking half the way because they miss the last bus, by which point Dan is feeling completely drained. Despite it being pretty boring and tiring, he doesn’t regret going out. There is something quietly comforting in the knowledge that he can go back to the house with Phil, that this is, for the time being his home.

They wash the marker pen, now smudged off their faces, change out of their costumes. They take it turns to brush their teeth at the sink. Dan doesn’t think twice about following Phil into his room, it’s only once inside that he feels slightly hesitant. Phil holds out his hand, Dan only pauses for a moment before reaching out. Phil’s palm is warm as he crosses the remaining distance to the bed and crawls onto it. Dan forces all of his nervousness as far out of his mind as he can and lies down on the bed too. There’s space enough between them, deliberate on Dan’s part so as not to make things awkward. The slight buzz of alcohol from the one drink he had whilst out is slowly wearing off, he feels tired but wants to stay awake.

The silence between them isn’t awkward. It’s nice, after the noise and rush of people all night. He’s glad for the quiet and the stillness of the room around them. Dan wants to know what Phil is thinking, if he is feeling anything close to what he is feeling right now

“Sorry for dragging you along. I didn’t realise it was going to be so shit.” Dan says eventually after the silence went on for too long. The brief yet stomach dropping thought that he might have ruined Phil’s evening crosses his mind.

“It’s okay. I didn’t have a horrible time, I probably wouldn’t have gone anywhere if you hadn’t suggested it. I don’t really go out now, not since moving home.”

“We could have gone somewhere better though. We could have gone to see a film or something, I just- I dunno why I thought going there would be a good idea. I hate social gatherings like that.” Dan doesn’t know where this sudden melancholy has come from, he was feeling okay a minute ago. The unstable fluctuation of his moods was hard to gauge and even harder to put up with. All it takes is one small thought, appearing out of nowhere and settling into the neurons in his brain, lingering there until he cannot ignore them.

Phil reaches out and takes Dan’s hand in his own, the sudden warmth and gentleness of the contact sends a tremor through his chest.

“It’s okay Dan. I wanted to go, it wasn’t awful. We got chips and I got to spend time with you, that makes a good day to me.” There is nothing but genuineness in Phil’s voice and kindness in his eyes.

Dan smiles a little but still feels some lingering sadness, he isn’t really sure why, he might just be tired. He knows he is, he just doesn’t want to sleep yet. Not when he’s lying next to Phil, on his bed and they’re alone. He does not expect anything to happen and but he’s okay with that, he just wants to feel this moment, to remember it once it’s over.

“You’re always so positive Phil, I really like that. I’m always so negative.” He shakes his head, as if that would get rid of some of the thoughts in there. He wishes they would go away, just for a minute, so he can breathe.

“I try to only think of the good things, it’s not always easy but I try to.” Phil replies, his thumb strokes once over Dan’s knuckles and it sends a shiver down his spine.

Dan sighs, feeling stupidly inadequate. “I wish I knew how to do that.”

“What makes you happy?” Phil asks softly, he raises their hands a little, his fingers playing with Dan’s.

If he had been asked that before he’d come to Manchester, Dan would have said something like video games, music and seeing his friends. However, none of what he felt then can compare to now, he doesn’t think anything could. He hadn’t known back then, he had nothing to compare it to, but Dan hadn’t known happiness like Phil. He doesn’t know now what he would do if he did not have that anymore, doesn’t think there could be a way for him to exist and not want to be with Phil. He thinks he might be it, the one constant. It’s big and scary to think about the future, so he doesn’t do it. He doesn’t want that, Dan wants what he has right now to last. This moment they are living, sharing together. He wants Phil next to him, his hand inside Dan’s.

“There’s only really one thing that makes me happy right now.” Dan whispers, he thinks maybe it’s too cheesy- maybe it’s too much for what they were- whatever they were.

Phil’s face breaks out into the widest smile, the kind that makes all the stars in Dan’s head light up.

“Really?”

He’s asking as if he doesn’t believe it, as if Dan couldn’t make it any more obvious how Phil has become so central to his life, in his thoughts and in heart.

“Really.” Dan whispers, hoping that Phil believes him, hoping that he can tell he means so much more than words. The silence falls around them again but it’s okay. They’re still looking at each other, hand in hand. Sometimes it was like this, they could just lie together in the quiet, looking at each other. Sometimes they didn’t need to speak, the sharing of looks between them in place of conversation.

Dan had never met another person he could do that with, he has never known another person like Phil. Dan is almost certain he has never had feelings like these before. He had loved his ex at the time, but it never felt like this.

“You make me the happiest I have ever been before. I’m so glad that we met, that we became friends.” Dan swallows, his voice catching. He didn’t want to get emotional, he wasn’t sure if it was too much- if Phil would think he was being silly.

"I am too Dan. Everything is so much better now than before. I- you mean so much to me. is that stupid to say?”

Dan has never felt a rush to reply quicker than now. “No, no. I feel the same- I’ve never had a best friend before and you are my best friend.”

Phil interlocks their fingers together and leans closer, resting his forehead against Dan’s.

“We should probably sleep.” He whispers, voice deeper than normal and it makes a shiver run down Dan’s spine. He dares to lean a fraction closer, a few strands of hair of Phil’s fringe tickles against his cheek.

He nods. “Okay.”

“Goodnight, Dan.”

Dan thinks that this is it, this is what they say in all the books and movies. This moment of happiness, he hopes it can last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading,
> 
> you can find me on [tumblr](http://lesthowells.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, 
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @lesthowells


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